Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
It's the little things that mean so much.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
You know the saying, "third time's a charm"?? I'm hoping that this, being my 3rd consecutive year requesting the same type of gift, my request will be answered, once and for all...and this time, when I get my gift, I hope its one that's made to last.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Last night, NZ had plans with his buddies, and I decided I needed a friend-fix from one of my all time favorite people in the world, so I drove down to Hermosa and met up with her for a night out at a "Sweat Suit Dance Party" themed Bday for former Aggie Pack great, Kenny Kane.
Swanson and I laughed as we rolled out of her apartment dressed in clothes more suited for a Friday night date with TiVo and the weeks missed shows. Sweats, to a bar, seriously?
The bar he had his party at was a high falutin' one, with the average girl dressed in no more than 3 inches of spandex and manolo heels...but covered in 3 lbs of makeup. Then you have us....the dance party..All of Kenny's friends that turned out wore some stylish sweats...Adidas was a definite fave, and head bands were quite the accessory.
On the way back to Swanson's place, she and I reminisced about our Davis days..Nights at the Grad, Cantina and our general lack of dancing abilities, despite all of our years trying.. I needed that friend fix, and am so happy that I got to forget all my worries for a while and enjoy myself...in my dancin' shoes.
Friday, November 27, 2009
I mean, I could have done without the lesson, and much rather be holding her, but hey, that's not the way things went..so, whatever.
What did we Zentils learn?
We learned many things, but most importantly, I learned that we, as a couple, have what it takes to survive a personal tragedy. We learned that life goes on ( although differently), and that we are, and always will be okay.
The road of a babyloss parent is not an easy one. As I have blogged many times before, there's not always a rhyme or reason for why one day is one of acceptance, and the next, grief...Situations which we wouldn't expect to affect us, might..or might not...depending on the day. I've read and heard so many times about marriages crumbling under the stresses produced by the loss of a child, or loved one, and although I never put any stock into it before, I do realize that NZ and I have really worked together to understand and accept one another during the tough days.
I'm thankful for all the typical things we should be thankful for..food, shelter, family, employment....but most importantly, I am thankful for the lesson that we have learned fairly early-on in our marriage...We are a couple that can survive and trudge through the stress of life changes and still come out loving each other more than before.
I'm thankful that something heartwarming came from something heartbreaking.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Kitchen is closed.
After a couple years of sharing Beav's gourmet Felidae, we've had enough. We already took the liberty of removing our indoor/outdoor cat door, thus making our beloved, Beaver...an outdoor kitty..which still breaks my heart. ( nevermind the other reason for his outdoor status being that he was using the sofas as scratching posts..it's much easier to blame you hoodlums instead).
We're now quite confident that we have you outsmarted.
Look what NZ found at Harbor Freight...the most amazing "coon proof" locks, ever.
So, I'd suggest you just give up the fight, and move on over to the East side...cause you're no match for these locks....suckas!!!...and don't even pretend you haven't tried to crack em...cause I see your claw marks everywhere.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thanks to my Sister and BFF's for fueling my addiction just a little bit more.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Please read and contact the emails listed in the letter if you know of anyone, or anything that could have potential to get her the help she needs.. since chemo may further compromise her lung capacity.
She & her family are interested in possible clinical trials or any additional ideas for treatment that may be available to her. Family has been recommended to research Annie's options and assist her in determining the best course of action. If anybody knows of any expert specialists in the field of Melanoma please forward. Time is of the essence.
Please contact Levi: firstname.lastname@example.org or Perice: email@example.com. Medical records are on hand & can be provided asap as needed. Thank you.
October 31, 2009
To anyone who can assist or knows someone who can assist:
My name is Annie Leinen; I’m 28 years old and have been married to Michael Leinen for 6-1/2 years. We have two adorable boys, Craigy (3) and Cody (18 months), and have been expecting our third baby boy, Colton Michael, whose due date was January 17th, 2010.
Back in early September I was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia in both lungs and my husband had to use vacation time and reduce his work hours to take care of our kids. Over the past two months I’ve been in and out of hospitals trying to find proper treatment for my lungs. My Community Hospital biopsied a lymph node under my arm and the diagnosis came back as malignant melanoma. Upon their recommendation that I transfer to a specialty hospital, my brothers drove me to Stanford Medical Center in Northern California for the best NICU care and diagnosis of my lung condition. It was there that a bronchio lung biopsy was performed and I was shocked to be told that my shortness of breath and persistent cough was due to stage four melanoma that has metastasized to my lungs. A significant portion of both lungs have been compromised making breathing difficult.
Our baby, Colton, who was just hit 28 weeks, was delivered early yesterday morning, Friday October 30, by c-section and will be in the NICU for some time. Meanwhile, I have been given a few days to recover and then I am faced with deciding what treatment options may be best to slow or halt the growth of melanoma that has spread throughout both lungs & has been cutting off my breathing.
My husband has flown back to southern California and is driving our two other children up to spend time with me over the weekend. I have been told that time may be short if my breathing becomes any more compromised.
I am requesting help from anybody who can assist my family with information on treatment options or clinical trials that I may qualify for. I wish to stay in Northern California to enjoy the time I have with my children and family but am willing to explore whatever option are available that may improve my condition and give me time with my children.
My most recent medical diagnosis summaries & records from Stanford Medical are on hand.
Thank you for any assistance that you can provide. And especially thank you for your prayers.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
These days I am two people.
I'm a lady in public and (noooo, get your mind out of the gutter) a heartbroken mother at home, or in my car, or the shower, for that matter. I'm doing better. I feel like ( and NZ may correct me if I am wrong) I have a better grip on my emotions, on MOST DAYS. Not all, but most. I feel like I am able to handle social situations with a stiffer upper lip than a month ago.
However, this being said, I still can not look at babies at the mall, grocery store, Doctor's offices...Those cute babies I used to give the "OMG, s/he's so adorable!" to, now get passed by with my blinders on. Seeing them just reminds me that our little girl is not here with us. Logically, I know that these babies and their parents have no personal vendetta out against me, nor are any of them responsible for my inability to seperate their luck from my misfortune. Let me tell you, it's a tough pill to swallow to come to the realization that I am the grinchy one.
I've always loved babies. I still do. The vice grip that is around my heart just needs to let off a little and I will come back around and be able to share my love again. I know the old me is in here somewhere.
But the blunt honesty of it all for me is that I am still sorting out my feelings and grief. There are days I don't know who I am...am I strong or am I weak? Survivor or a victim? I think it's a common feeling amongst us babyless mamas.
Sometimes I worry that I may never snap out of it. I worry I may lose some of my friends that have kids, due to my struggle to communicate. I whole heartedly admit to going M.I.A. on a few friends over the past few months. My friends care, they are the best. But some of them have very good reasons to be happy these days, and I feel like I have nothing to offer our friendship until I come out from under this cloud. Why rain on their parades with my ho-hum, don't-have- any-good-news-attitude?
Six months ago, I was expecting to be dressing a baby in her very own Halloween costume, and buying those cute little Christmas dresses..I thought I would have a 2 month old starting to smile & maybe even starting to hold her head up. My reality is anything but.
Instead I see 6 months as a lifetime. That joke about the biological clock ticking...?
Yeah, that's me. Tick. Tick.Tick.
It's been 6 months, and I wake up day after day reminding myself, I'm alive and well. Trying to be positive without getting my hopes up and peeing on too many sticks each month in anticipation as to whether this is "the month" we start all over again...Then, trying not to get down when only one line shows, and we have to pin our hopes on the next month.
Positivity is the key to success, or so they say, but will it open the door of opportunity for us ( screw windows of opportunity... we need DOORS..or what the heck, FLOODGATES)?
So I suppose I could have just written a post about how life is grand, and everything happens for a reason, and all those cliches that people seem to like to throw out there at we parents who've experienced the loss of our children...and act like I've accepted it all, and we're only looking forward, but that would be the biggest load of Sugarcoated $hit ever.
Instead, I choose to be bluntly honest and say that it is what it is, I am what I am...and someday I hope to be who I was again, before the loss of my babies.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Anyhow, we love them even though they're Broncos fans, and there's a bet riding on Monday's game.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
It's called, " What I need to do" and he talks about running away from his problems and knowing that he needs to turn his car around and head back to deal with it all.
I've just got the " What I need to do " part playing over and over in my head.
I need ( we need) to let our little girl go.
Not in the sense of forgetting about her, no way, no how..but we need to give her the proper memorial. Just NZ and me and her ashes. We need to do it soon...otherwise, this mama just might hold onto those ashes forever. We've talked at length about where & how, but the "when" part is always "soon"..and never set.
I think "soon" has arrived.
I think about these other moms and dads that have gone through an infant loss, and wonder how they deal with the burial, creamation etc.. I know that religion plays a large role in how many choose to memorialize their babies, but do others who have creamated their babies struggle with letting go of that last little piece to hold onto? Do they keep urns? Do they let them go at sea? Bury them under a tree? I know, pretty morbid topic here, but it's what we're faced with. We have made our decision of what we want to do, but committing to a time and date to go finally do it has proven to be difficult.
We're strong & we're lucky to have one another...We know what we need to do....and it's going to happen, but this dragging of the feet just isn't like us.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
FYI- 4.75 yd is enough to make one side of a Queen Duvet. I cheated and used a Queen size sheet in a coordinating print on the backside.
Total Cost: $28.
Something similar at Pottery Barn: $170 +
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I also can't listen to George Strait's "I Saw God Today" all because of one stupid line...about looking through the nursery glass at his miracle. That line alone does me in..
If I were an actress, doing a crying scene, all they'd have to do is make a cd of these songs together and I would instantly get into character. It would be like flipping a light switch.
Movin' along, happy as I could be...and WHAM! One of those songs comes on and the tears flow.
Anyhow, I'm veering from my whole reason for this post...I picked a new kick ass song of the week...On the subject of Kenny Chesney's "Lucky Old Sun" cd, I heard a song today that makes me want to try my luck and put that cd back in my car..I can always fast forward past THE song, right? I heard the Kenny Chesney/ Dave Matthews song, "I'm Alive" a couple days ago and although I have heard it millions of times before, it was like I was listening to it for the first time. The words fit my current mentality perfectly.
Each day I wake up, tell myself to be strong, and remind myself I DO have a lot to be thankful for. But somedays, my grief gets the best of me. Anger, sadness, self-pity, all comes to an ugly head and I burst..It's a daily routine for me now...reminding myself that there's no need to get so worked up over the cards we've been dealt..I can think about them, but I don't need to let them knock me down.."They" say it gets easier, but until then, I'm taking it dayby day, step by step.
I'm Alive, and Well.
Here are the lyrics to my New favorite song... click link above for video
So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me I’d like to thank my lucky stars that
I’m alive, and well
It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive
And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessin' can’t you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive, and well
I’m alive, and well
Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul, when there’s not a soul in sight
But this boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive, and well
And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing can’t you see
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive, and well
Yeah I’m alive, and well
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
He really has a thing for our back bedroom, and since there isn't really anything he can get into and hurt himself, I let him have at it. It can be "his room" until we have a little one of our own to argue the point with him.
Anyhow, he went into "his room" this past Sunday and after a couple minutes, I knock on the door and lo and behold the cutest sight I have ever seen!
He answers the door, and says, " look Aunt B, your chues!" as he steps out in my flip flops, on the wrong feet of course.
I *heart* the things kids do!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Step 4: Sew.