I've had a writer's block for the past week or so. Everytime I start to blog, I go back and re-read what thoughts have spewed out of my brain, and I come off sounding like a spoiled brat. Like, "it's-my-pity-party-and-I'll-cry-if-I-want-to" sorta posts. I have continually claimed that the last thing I want is pity, yet I am the biggest culprit of this crime. Yes, I am calling myself out.
These days I am two people.
I'm a lady in public and (noooo, get your mind out of the gutter) a heartbroken mother at home, or in my car, or the shower, for that matter. I'm doing better. I feel like ( and NZ may correct me if I am wrong) I have a better grip on my emotions, on MOST DAYS. Not all, but most. I feel like I am able to handle social situations with a stiffer upper lip than a month ago.
However, this being said, I still can not look at babies at the mall, grocery store, Doctor's offices...Those cute babies I used to give the "OMG, s/he's so adorable!" to, now get passed by with my blinders on. Seeing them just reminds me that our little girl is not here with us. Logically, I know that these babies and their parents have no personal vendetta out against me, nor are any of them responsible for my inability to seperate their luck from my misfortune. Let me tell you, it's a tough pill to swallow to come to the realization that I am the grinchy one.
I've always loved babies. I still do. The vice grip that is around my heart just needs to let off a little and I will come back around and be able to share my love again. I know the old me is in here somewhere.
But the blunt honesty of it all for me is that I am still sorting out my feelings and grief. There are days I don't know who I am...am I strong or am I weak? Survivor or a victim? I think it's a common feeling amongst us babyless mamas.
Sometimes I worry that I may never snap out of it. I worry I may lose some of my friends that have kids, due to my struggle to communicate. I whole heartedly admit to going M.I.A. on a few friends over the past few months. My friends care, they are the best. But some of them have very good reasons to be happy these days, and I feel like I have nothing to offer our friendship until I come out from under this cloud. Why rain on their parades with my ho-hum, don't-have- any-good-news-attitude?
Six months ago, I was expecting to be dressing a baby in her very own Halloween costume, and buying those cute little Christmas dresses..I thought I would have a 2 month old starting to smile & maybe even starting to hold her head up. My reality is anything but.
Instead I see 6 months as a lifetime. That joke about the biological clock ticking...?
Yeah, that's me. Tick. Tick.Tick.
It's been 6 months, and I wake up day after day reminding myself, I'm alive and well. Trying to be positive without getting my hopes up and peeing on too many sticks each month in anticipation as to whether this is "the month" we start all over again...Then, trying not to get down when only one line shows, and we have to pin our hopes on the next month.
Positivity is the key to success, or so they say, but will it open the door of opportunity for us ( screw windows of opportunity... we need DOORS..or what the heck, FLOODGATES)?
So I suppose I could have just written a post about how life is grand, and everything happens for a reason, and all those cliches that people seem to like to throw out there at we parents who've experienced the loss of our children...and act like I've accepted it all, and we're only looking forward, but that would be the biggest load of Sugarcoated $hit ever.
Instead, I choose to be bluntly honest and say that it is what it is, I am what I am...and someday I hope to be who I was again, before the loss of my babies.