On Christmas eve, I noticed that my mom had hung her "D" ornament on the tree, and although her tree is no higher than a smurf, it was there, hanging for me to see, and I love that she doesn't hide her support of us and our loss. I've been reading the blogs of other baby loss moms over the holidays, and I think we all share a similar hurt, a similar want, and a similar understanding that the Holidays are forever changed by our losses.
As the holiday season approached, I had thought that I might regress a bit and start sobbing uncontrolably, at a really inopportune time..you know, like at a jolly Christmas get-together or something..but I didn't. And although grieving privately is what I am supposed to do, it's not always easy..but..I did it..And even if no on else is understands why I might be proud of myself for getting through Christmas with no hysterical breakdowns, I do.
There were no steps taken backwards this month. No regression. December has been the first month with no meltdowns. Sure, I shed a few tears in my car ( for silly reasons) a time or two, but in comparison to months past, this is progress.
Could this mean I am coming to terms with our loss at a different level?
I'd hate to jinx myself and then have an all out meltdown 5 seconds after this post, but I really wonder if time will help me heal?
Until I find those answers, I've got my family.
Life is good, even when things don't go how I had planned. This, I know.