Sunday, December 27, 2009


Sometime back in November, my SIL put together a photo shoot down at the beach with the Zentil side of the family. As creative as she is, I was HOPING that she'd do what I thought she might, and that was present them to us as Christmas gifts. She never ceases to these photos are one of my most favorite gifts this year. NZ and I aren't ones to organize something like this ourselves, but I am so very happy to have us all together to document this time in our lives. Over the years our family will continue to change, with births, deaths, and kids growing up and moving out...but one thing I love is how close our family is right here, right now. I feel fortunate for both my family that I was born into, and the one I married into. So, although Santa didn't answer my request this year, I do have to say that I still feel fortunate to have the gift of our family's love & support.

On Christmas eve, I noticed that my mom had hung her "D" ornament on the tree, and although her tree is no higher than a smurf, it was there, hanging for me to see, and I love that she doesn't hide her support of us and our loss. I've been reading the blogs of other baby loss moms over the holidays, and I think we all share a similar hurt, a similar want, and a similar understanding that the Holidays are forever changed by our losses.

As the holiday season approached, I had thought that I might regress a bit and start sobbing uncontrolably, at a really inopportune know, like at a jolly Christmas get-together or something..but I didn't. And although grieving privately is what I am supposed to do, it's not always easy..but..I did it..And even if no on else is understands why I might be proud of myself for getting through Christmas with no hysterical breakdowns, I do.

There were no steps taken backwards this month. No regression. December has been the first month with no meltdowns. Sure, I shed a few tears in my car ( for silly reasons) a time or two, but in comparison to months past, this is progress.

Could this mean I am coming to terms with our loss at a different level?

I'd hate to jinx myself and then have an all out meltdown 5 seconds after this post, but I really wonder if time will help me heal?

Until I find those answers, I've got my family.

Life is good, even when things don't go how I had planned. This, I know.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Candyland Cake

I have been slaving in the kitchen all week long, making buttercream frosting and marshmallow fondant to cover my newest creation..a Candy Land themed cake for Christmas. Instead of our annual gingerbread house, I made a cake to serve on Christmas night for our family supper with the Zentil relatives. It was harder than I thought.
I definitely surfed the Bakerella site for ideas ( hence the presents at my gingerbread man's feet..and I couldn't find sugar cones for the tree, so a gingerbread man stands on top instead).
Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy, healthy New Year. I've been ready to say goodbye to 2009 since May. Puts a whole lotta pressure on 2010, wouldn't you say?

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Owl be watching you

While I was out and about during my lunch hour this week, I stopped in at Pier 1 to see if I could find some stocking stuffers. I found em, alright...but I kept going back to a particular ornament. No one needed this ornament, but I HAD to have it. I'd pick it up, look at it, check the price, then put it back. I'd go about browsing items I really SHOULD be buying, and lo and behold, I kept going back to the dang owl ornament. So, after reasoning with myself that I could have it if I wanted it, I bought it.

And you know what? On my way back to work, I got a flash of memory back to April 2009 when I was selecting crib bedding for our baby girl. Pottery Barn had one titled "Brooke" and it was a whimsical design with trees and the sheets that matched had tiny owls. I loved it, but it was back-ordered, so I selected a Beachy themed set from PBkids instead, which I am saving for a future daughter.. I loved the Brooke set though, and I just went on PB kids to get a picture and wouldn't you know, it's on sale now. Go figure. I'm not crazy enough to buy it now, and store 2 sets of crib bedding with no babies in sight, but it is so dang cute!!!
I broke into tears ( what a dork, I know) on my short drive back to the office. Now I know WHY I had to have it. Memories are all I have, and I am glad that they still drive my decision making process when it comes to our baby lost. I don't ever want to forget her, and although I rather have been at Toys-r-us buying her toys to play with for Xmas, my reality is that I'm not able to do so without looking like a complete lunatic. I can, however, buy little things here and there as I think of her, and this ornament totally made my day.

It's the little things that mean so much.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

You know the saying, "third time's a charm"?? I'm hoping that this, being my 3rd consecutive year requesting the same type of gift, my request will be answered, once and for all...and this time, when I get my gift, I hope its one that's made to last.

For the last two Christmases you did answer my request, but both times, something went wrong that couldn't be fixed. This time, if it isn't too much to ask, I'd like one with a warranty. Preferably, a lifetime one. I got to see the one that was sent to me last year, it was a girl. She looked perfect, and was exactly what I wanted, but as I said above, she wasn't made to last.

I'd really really really love to ask for a different gift next year. I am sure you're getting tired of my broken record if you can't send me one this Christmas, I understand...but maybe if that's the case, you can give me the gift of patience and understanding so that my life can move on while we await for "our time"... So for the sake of sounding like a spoiled brat, I'm only asking for one thing..and I hope you don't let me down.



p.s. No cookies this year. I'm putting out cake balls for your dining enjoyment. Made especially for you.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Dancin' Shoes

Check out the kicks I wore out dancin' last night.
Sneakers, that's right!

Last night, NZ had plans with his buddies, and I decided I needed a friend-fix from one of my all time favorite people in the world, so I drove down to Hermosa and met up with her for a night out at a "Sweat Suit Dance Party" themed Bday for former Aggie Pack great, Kenny Kane.

Swanson and I laughed as we rolled out of her apartment dressed in clothes more suited for a Friday night date with TiVo and the weeks missed shows. Sweats, to a bar, seriously?

Total awesomeness.

The bar he had his party at was a high falutin' one, with the average girl dressed in no more than 3 inches of spandex and manolo heels...but covered in 3 lbs of makeup. Then you have us....the dance party..All of Kenny's friends that turned out wore some stylish sweats...Adidas was a definite fave, and head bands were quite the accessory.
Pretty soon, there was a crowd around, watching the "dance offs" and then ultimately, joining in and having a blast.

On the way back to Swanson's place, she and I reminisced about our Davis days..Nights at the Grad, Cantina and our general lack of dancing abilities, despite all of our years trying.. I needed that friend fix, and am so happy that I got to forget all my worries for a while and enjoy my dancin' shoes.