Christmas:Accomplished

Sometime back in November, my SIL put together a photo shoot down at the beach with the Zentil side of the family. As creative as she is, I was HOPING that she'd do what I thought she might, and that was present them to us as Christmas gifts. She never ceases to dissappoint..as these photos are one of my most favorite gifts this year. NZ and I aren't ones to organize something like this ourselves, but I am so very happy to have us all together to document this time in our lives. Over the years our family will continue to change, with births, deaths, and kids growing up and moving out...but one thing I love is how close our family is right here, right now. I feel fortunate for both my family that I was born into, and the one I married into. So, although Santa didn't answer my request this year, I do have to say that I still feel fortunate to have the gift of our family's love & support.

On Christmas eve, I noticed that my mom had hung her "D" ornament on the tree, and although her tree is no higher than a smurf, it was there, hanging for me to see, and I love that she doesn't hide her support of us and our loss. I've been reading the blogs of other baby loss moms over the holidays, and I think we all share a similar hurt, a similar want, and a similar understanding that the Holidays are forever changed by our losses.

As the holiday season approached, I had thought that I might regress a bit and start sobbing uncontrolably, at a really inopportune time..you know, like at a jolly Christmas get-together or something..but I didn't. And although grieving privately is what I am supposed to do, it's not always easy..but..I did it..And even if no on else is understands why I might be proud of myself for getting through Christmas with no hysterical breakdowns, I do.

There were no steps taken backwards this month. No regression. December has been the first month with no meltdowns. Sure, I shed a few tears in my car ( for silly reasons) a time or two, but in comparison to months past, this is progress.

Could this mean I am coming to terms with our loss at a different level?

I'd hate to jinx myself and then have an all out meltdown 5 seconds after this post, but I really wonder if time will help me heal?

Until I find those answers, I've got my family.

Life is good, even when things don't go how I had planned. This, I know.