I recently met another pregnant woman who is due 2 weeks after me, with her first child. She's a newlywed, in school, and will graduate just 3 weeks before her baby is due, and then her life will go on Happily ever after as a stay at home mom. She's a sweetheart, this girl...but following our exchange of details, I couldn't help but think to myself, " Hold Yer Horses, girl..You have no idea what could be ahead." I am so glad that I didn't succumb her to my negativity about what the future could hold, nor did I steal her sunshine.
But there is something deep inside me that aches when I hear other pregnant women declare with assumed certainty that they in-fact-are-having-a-baby on such and such a date, and have everything planned out to the nanosecond.
Is it jealousy? I don't know. I hope not.
Is it mourning the loss of my own naievety? Maybe.
So, how do I get over it?
How do I get over the fact that I do not want to look too far ahead and make plans on things that we most certainly do need to plan out before hand?
Hospital bag? the clothes on my back are fine, thanks. Worked for us last time, it can work again.
Birth plan? Uhm, yeah, right. How bout, get this baby out of me alive, by any means necessary. Will that work?
Nursery Theme? Does it matter? The baby will just sleep in our room. No need to decorate a nursery. ( Where as last time, I had bedding ordered the day after we found out the sex of our baby girl)
Finding out the sex? Let's be honest. I just want to hear and see that little heart beating away.
This is not like me. I am a planner. I like to be prepared. So why won't I let my guard down on one of the most important things to come into our lives? I keep hoping that at some magic date ( right now I claim 30 weeks) I will feel confident and certain that come end of December, beginning of January we will be bringing that pink white and blue hospital blanket home with a baby in it, rather than as consolation prize.
Is that too much to ask?
This hits home to me. I want to get super excited for friend's who have become pregnant but it's hard having been through a loss now twice. I understand how you feel & imagine when I'm there again will feel the same.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you sharing your story. It gives me hope!
You aren't having your first baby but your second. I had many of the same feelings with my second.... I knew what I needed and what I didn't. While I brought home a baby the first time....his birth didmt go according to plan. He had shoulder dystocia. Therefore my plans the second time around were completely centered on the health of the second baby. And used any means necessary to delivery him safely which included a scheduled c-section
ReplyDeleteAt any moment in our child's life something can go wrong. It's why we walk around with our hearts on the outside of our body as a mother. You've held one of your babies...you are already a mother.
Also for my second the baby slept with me...we never pulled out the crib. No nursery.
ReplyDeleteyou have been through alot and it is understandable to keep your guard up. i know it must be hard and hope you can find some peace along the way.xoxoxoxoo hugs ana
ReplyDeleteI'll be 34 weeks tomorrow, and although we have made plans, and everything is ready to go...I'm still extremely guarded.
ReplyDeletePeople ask if I'm excited and I can't say for extreme certainty yes. Because I am excited, but very cautiously so, and I don't think I will be fully excited until she is here, she is alive, and she is well.
I stinks that we don't get that naive bliss anymore. It really does.
I 100% agree. I especially like your birth plan.
ReplyDeleteah, sweetie...it's just being a protective mom.With all the joys comes the worries. Before we assumed we could "plan". But life has a way of showing us that we can't know the future. Just hope and dream and wish for the blessed day coming. And know that you are stronger than you think. And that you have all our positive thoughts and wishes coming your way! P.s. YOU LOOK ADORABLE! hang in there, Brie!
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