Babyless mama

I stumbled across a blog of a fellow "babyless mama" http://rubybaby09.blogspot.com/2009/08/really.html this morning through a blog from another "babyless, but two babies in the oven mama" http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/2009/08/one-lovely-blog-award.html blog that I have read regularly since losing our little one.

It's not that misery loves company, at least not for me.

But reading what other babyless mama's have been writing about the cards they have been dealt, and how they are handling it on a day to day basis has really really been a Godsend. I'm usually the type of girl ( and still am) that wears my heart on my sleeve, and will share with people every last detail..but with the loss of our baby, I've kept many many things private, between my husband and myself. The feelings are still in there, but it's hard for me to let others see the grief on the days that I feel like I just can't be as strong as I was yesterday. Reading the blogs from these other women makes me feel like I am the one who wrote them, yet I can stand in obscurity and not put myself out there for people to see the pain.

All in all, NZ and I have held out pretty good this summer. We've stayed uber-busy with friends, family, small weekend trips and projects. It's just easier to stay busy, than to sit and think about the shoes we're wearing. I've had tons of fun this summer, reconnected with old friends and made new..I've been social and enjoyed "normal" life without worrying about my weight or how I look. I'd say this is the first summer in years that I have been so "normal" and gone with the flow..

But, then again, I'm not "normal" and I won't ever be "normal" the way I was before. I am still me, but different. There's a constant hurt in my heart, that won't go away. I'm happy with my life & loved ones, but something is now missing that I can't get back. Acceptance of our loss has been easier said than done. I tell myself that this shit just happens, it happened to us, so let's move on. No need to wallow..but at the same time, I feel like the birth of our baby has somehow been swept under the rug, because I didn't grieve outwardly, or have a funeral or even tell people what we named our little girl. This has been our decision to keep it private, however, I struggle at times with our decision.

Here I am, August 22, 2009, and I "should be" on maternity leave...I should be nearing my due date..I should be giddy with anticipation...yet, I didn't get to experience any of that despite giving birth to our baby just as thousands of other women do every day. While they get to be wheeled out in a wheelchair with babies in their arms, I got wheeled out past the nursery in fast forward, with empty arms..Sent home to an empty house, left to go through the post partum period without anything to show for it.

I feel bad talking about my experience to other mom's and mom's to be..like mine wasn't a valid delivery experience..like I don't know what it's really like. I've delivered a baby, yet I am not part of the mom club yet. What hurts the most are when people try to explain things about parenthood and add in, " You're not a parent, you wouldn't understand.." or " Wait till you're a parent, you'll see." I want to yell, "We DID have a baby, we are parents..but our baby died!Why take that title away from me?" I don't think the people who make the insensitive comments realize that just because NZ and I seem fine on the outside, that it doesn't mean we don't have feelings.

I do have some great real life friends who have really really kept a smile on my face on the rough days. I've got a husband that adores me...and feels the hurt too, but his pair of shoes, although the shoes of a dad who's lost a baby, are not the same as the pair of shoes that I wear. I'm sure he hates his too, but he doesn't say much about it. He just deals with them and helps me keep optomistic and positive about the things to come.