I'm feeling empty handed tonight.
It happens whenever the conversation turns to child rearing or the news that someone is pregnant. And tonight, it hit me, like it does every so often, that my baby didn't make it. I'd like to say I have been doing much better with the whole acceptance thing and even subscribing to the " This is just the way our life is. This is something we have to deal with and keep on trying." Of course there is no rhyme or reason for why bad things happen to good people. We surely didn't deserve to go through the loss of a child..but it happened anyways, and well, it is now most definitely OUR life and our reality.
I struggle most with the "what should have been" thoughts and feeling at times, like something was taken from me. I wish I could seperate those feeling from what I know to be true, and that's that there was no guarantee that we'd bring a baby home, so I have no right to act like she was "taken" from us. She simply was not ours to keep.
Instead, she provided me with a glimpse of motherhood...and what it feels like to carry a living being. She ended up teaching me a brutal lesson in life, which I sorta already thought I had learned..but again, I was shown that "Life is unpredictable"
I understand that life is unpredictable, but why do I feel like the only woman who will never be certain she will one day make it through 9 months of pregnancy and have a healthy living baby?
You're not the only one. <3 I'll never have another pregnancy where I can get to a point where I can relax... I made it nine months, only to have it all shatter! :( I am grateful that I did get to experience a beautiful pregnancy, until it was over, but I will never be carefree and pregnant again. :(
ReplyDeleteBrie, those feelings suck big time. I just want to send you love and let you know you are not alone. and that the why's and what if's and will it ever happen, hurt but I am here hoping with and for you. Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteBrie,
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you so deeply. The "triggers" are awful and I can honestly tell you that I am still experiencing them. I'm still riddled with anxiety and cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy. Once you experience loss, the road is never the same...life as we once knew it will never be the same again. Bit by bit we re-gain parts of ourselves back and we strive to find the good in each day, which you do an amazing job at by the way. And other days, we long for what we once knew. We want our innocence back and we want to recapture JOY. The process is daunting and mind boggeling at times and the pain and grief suffocate the soul. However, we keep fighting, just as you are doing and we will ourselves forward. You are doing an amazing job and I admire you on many levels.
Sending you love, hugs and many, many prayers. I have such FAITH in your future Brie. I'm here and I promise to continue cheering you on :)
Much Love