Sunday, November 28, 2010

Do I scare people?

No one ever wants to think that they, themselves may have something to do with other people's fears. I've never intended to scare anyone, but it's come to my understanding that even without trying to ( actually, doing my best NOT to), my experience with baby loss has had an impact on those around me who are trying to conceive and those who may also be pregnant and expecting.

I don't like that one bit. I have had multiple friends succeed in getting pregnant (so many in fact, I lost count long ago) and delivering healthy babies since our initial loss. I've got a couple of friends who, like myself, can't just wink at my husband and pop out a baby 9 months later..They too understand the 2 week wait and the anxiety it entails. I've got three friends who have had stillborn daughters, and a handful who have had complications but went on to deliver otherwise healthy children.

I keep tally, cause I'm like that. I may curse statistics, but I still obsess over them.

What I didn't understand, in writing about my loss on my blog, was that it may affect those I care about per chance that they get pregnant. No one has said anything to me about it, but I started thinking about it today, and how naieve most pregnant couples are, but those around us..those who supported us through our loss ( me moreso than my husband--because he "got it" even way back then--that we needn't scare others just because we had bad luck...too bad it has taken me 18 months to come to the same realization) are acutely aware that things can go wrong..and I feel responsible for the loss of their naievity during their pregnancy.

Should I feel responsible? There is no way to really go back and "eat my words" and I really think blogging has helped me cope and get through the stages of grief in a healthy way. How do I shield those around me from letting my experience have any weight on theirs? Am I being too hard on myself?

This is just one of those things, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. To blog about it or not to blog about it? Either way, even if I didn't talk about it to anyone, those who did support us through our loss would still be aware that losses do happen, so maybe I am just being hard on myself.

My question...Any other baby loss mom's struggle with the idea that your experience and talking about it may taint someone else's naievety during pregnancy? Or do you think "hey, it's just a fact of life--deal with it?"

Edit: After this blog was first posted, I received an e-mail from one of my college bestie's, childhood besties, who reads my blog with lovely note about how it got her thinking...and in turn, she blogged about "The Other Side" and wanted to link to this post. In turn, I would encourage readers to check out Jenn's post for a view from a woman going through pregnancy, and the feelings she has after being surrounded by loss.


  1. I've had to reel in the desire to be blunt with pregnant friends when they're all giddy with pregnancy. The evil want to smash their naive picture of baby bliss...but, I swallow those dark thoughts and smile with heartful best wishes...even, if I have to force them out..

    I NEVER feel bad about writing about my loss on my blog. If you're that immature that reading about a very real tragic situation that happens to hundreds of thousands of families a year, well, then maybe, they're too immature to be having babies. I'm 28 months into my loss and my opinions have changed dramatically since my early days of grief. I'm profoundly changed as a matter of fact...

    Praying for you and that you get your rainbow soon ((hugs))

  2. Brie, you absolutely should not feel responsible! Not a tiny bit. I think JenJen's comment is perhaps a little brash ("want to smash their naive picture of baby bliss") because I think the goal of the blog is for you to have a place to share (I think educating other pregnant couples is much more a secondary purpose. This isn't a news source, it's about you and what you've been through and learned.)

    However, I agree that you should NEVER feel bad about writing about your loss. This is YOUR space, for you to write about YOUR feelings and experiences. If someone doesn't want to read about the reality of loss then they can simply close their browser.

  3. Brie,

    Oh where to start...

    First, this blog is your sanctuary, a personal space where you are free to come and express your thoughts, whether happy or sad...good or bad. Often times, people forget that a blog is a diary, an accounting of our life and if we are real about our emotions we write from the heart. If what we write takes away one's innocence in some way, I'm very sorry, but again, this is a personal space.

    Furthermore, what you have experienced in losing Denise is tragic and my heart goes out to you and your husband. But, this is your journey, your life and harboring your feelings for the sake of others would be nice, but not healing. We need to grieve and I regret that anyone may be afraid knowing our stories, but that's a harsh reality. Just as it hurts others to know our loss stories, it hurts us to hear details of success stories. Probably a skewed way to look at things, but it is what it is.

    Sweet friend, I think you have been more than gentle and considerate in the way you post here in your PERSONAL space. I appreciated your reaching out to me after reading my blog and emailing me with concern, as I was in the throws of trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I was still spotting 4 months post loss. Your reaching out showed concern and I appreciat that concern to this day.

    Overall, there is just no wrong or right answer to this question. Just know that I am always praying for you and holding you close in thought. I hate that you are even feeling as if you scare people...let that go, you can't help what you've been through.

    Much Love to you

  4. Brie,

    I think that you are totally being hard on yourselves. You couldn't do anything about your loss. It was nothing you could control. So those around you who new you were pregnant were gonna find out that you lost your angel eventually. So now they know that loss can happen. So you started a blog to get out your feelings , to say what you didn't think others would understand, to say what you couldn't say to others who have not been through what you are going through. This is your space, your sanctuary to vent, or cry or just write whatever words that you want to write. It is their choice to read it or not. Please don't be hard on yourself for coping the best way that you know how. Yes it may worry some, but as soon as they have their healthy baby in their arms their worries will be forgotten, you however will still be missing your angel, and should they have a loss, they will know that there is someone who will understand what they are going through. somethings we can help and this is one of them,but continue to do the best you can to help you heal. Hope i don't sound too harsh. Hugs and Love

  5. I think you are doing a good thing by sharing your experiences because there are a lot of hurting women out there who are going through similar experiences and it makes them feel like they are not alone in this process. It is good to share and not keep it to yourself!

  6. I'm just saying that I hope I haven't scared my pregnant friends. I have received 99% support of this blog and I agree, it's my space to write. If you don't like it, don't read that wasn't the purpose of my entry..but moreso, the guilt I feel when friends and family get pregnant and then they talk about being scared of losing their baby too. I wonder if they would have felt that if they didn't know my story. I would rather they have a blissful pregnancy..I don't wish for anyone to know anything more than a textbook pregnancy..I know I know, stop dreaming Brie...but really, there are two things I never want my family or friends to experience..1) infidelity and 2) the loss of a child...It hurts my heart to think I could have something to do with scaring others.

  7. B,
    Anyone who is pregnant with a child should know by now that the world is not perfect and be ready for complications. If you were telling your stories to 8 year olds to scare them of babies forever, that'd be different, but your audience consists of grown-ups who should be able to comprehend science and statistics. And what are the possible scenarios: pregnancy doesn't go well and the mother has a place to read and a friend to grieve with or the pregnancy does go well and the mother is grateful for the healthy child knowing how things could've gone... You are helping yourself and others in either case. Keep writing. If it helps you, it helps us.