Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Someone asked me about the footprint button in my sidebar. Those little feet are a link to a wonderful website started by another babyloss mom, Kristin Cook of "Dear Stevie" to give all of those who have gone through any type of infant loss, a place to connect with others who have worn their shoes.

The girls of Faces of Loss, faces of Hope have also started making hospital packets to replace the outdated materials we were all given. These packets will have contact info for grieving parents, and a link to the website where they can connect with those of us who have been in their shoes, and understand what they are experiencing.

I submitted the story of my stillbirth a while back, click here to read. I have since connected with a mother who lost her baby due to a uterine septum and also amother who lost her child to an umbilical cord torsion, which were the reasons we were given for our losses.

Talking openly about infant loss is fairly taboo in our society. For those of us who have lost a child, and want to be free to talk about our experience, our dreams, our children--without causing the room to go silent--this site has been a Godsend. We can talk to others just like us. And they get it.

If you know of anyone who has experienced the loss of a child--please spread the word about Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It is expanding every day with new sections, members and resource listings.

The direct link is: www.facesofloss.com

P90x: Week ONE

I'm one week into the P90x series, but have yet to finish the 11 dvd workouts. I have 2 more to go, which I will do tonight ( if I can walk..more about that later) and tomorrow night.

So far, I love it. In a turbulent relationship kind of love. I find myself swearing at the TV, but then turn to those around me and profess my love for it. There is a figure pro, Monica Brandt who sold t shirts for a while with " No LEG HURT, no short skirt", ain't that the truth. I'm sure she sold a bunch of em. I'm that kind of girl--I need to feel the burn and break a sweat to feel like I really got a workout.

Let's just say that I have been feeling the burn so much, that I can not finish all the workouts yet. I've paused the TV to catch my breath, rallied up a few more exercises and reps, and still somehow manage to be completely worn to the point of exhaustion by not just one workout ( Plyometrics) but two! Believe it or not, the Yoga workout was unfinishable by yours truly, the ex-gymnast who would like to think I still have a little bit of flexibility goin' on. Uhm, yeah, not so much. I like that I can't finish the workouts yet. It gives me motivation to keep pushing and better my efforts next time. I have to admit though, I was quite perplexed that yoga could be so difficult. I have a whole new respect to Yogies out there. And for the record, I am still sore from doing warrior poses 4 days after the fact.

Tonight is Kenpo, which I can't say I am entirely excited about...but I will try it, who knows, I might like it.

I've kept my cardio at 4 days of walking on my BTF ( Best treadmill-friend forever) for about 30 minutes each session. It gives me an excuse to watch Jersey Shore and Teen mom re-runs.

As far as physical changes...hard to say. I am super critical, so I don't see any yet, but I did measurements on Tuesday and continue to take them weekly to see how they change, if at all. I'm not worried about my weight, so no digits to divulge there. All I want it to be fit- and feel good. That's a much better benchmark for success than a stupid little number.

Are there any other P90xer's out there?

Single Scoop Sundae Cakeballs

These single scoop sundaes are my favorite little cakeballs disguised as ice cream sundaes. Inspired by this post by Bakerella ( yet again), but lacking patience and time to cut down 24 sugar cones to make cakeball cones, I opted to saw down 12 cones ( that's my limit, ya'll!) and just went for the single scoop sundae balls on the rest of them. I was so excited to give the cakeball cones to the Birthday girl that I forgot to snap a photograph ( lesson learned, boo hoo), but I did manage to get one of the sundae scoops.

You scream, I scream we all scream for....CAKEBALLS!

Framed City Art

I found a new blog to blogstalk called the House of Wood, which is a clever play on the blog writer's last name of Woodhouse. She has some wonderful DIY projects and step by step instructions on making everything from covered headboards to the room layouts to maximize space efficiently.

She caught my eye and got added to my favorites tab because of this project. I have seen these City art prints on ETSY and on ZGallerie, but I'm frugal, and totally unwilling to pay someone else $85+ to frame typed words of a city I could care less about..And sure, some ETSY crafters can probably personalize one for me with a city of my choice for top dollar, but even better...

Why don't I make one myself?

So I did.

And here it is. My hometown in print.

I'm pretty darn proud of myself.

And here is a completed set.

1. Sacramento/Davis area( our Alma Mater)

2. NZ's favorite local surf breaks

3. My hometown of Santa Barbara

Supplies:
Frames: 3 for $14.99 @ Michael's Craft store
Print ( used scrapblogger program to make print): free
visit www.scrapblogger.com to check out their free website


Total cost: $15 for 3 framed prints

Give it your best, and forget the rest

Anyone who has tried the P90x workout DVD's should be familar with the title of this post. It's the catch phrase used by Tony Horton as he leads you through an hour of torture ( did I just say torture, uhm, I meant an hour of muscle burning fun!). Someone at NZ's work offered us the DVD set, and having seen the infomercial umpteen million times during my early a.m. treadmill sessions, I have dreamed about purchasing it more than a time or two..But at $120 for the set, I've had to remind myself that I do have a gym membership, and it does need to get used..So, I put purchasing P90x on hold... Now, if someone is giving it away? For FREE? I'm there! Lucky me.

I've always been active. I grew up watching mom go to jazzercize, run & play tennis..and I myself was a competitive gymnast into my college years ( goooo Ags!). After gymnastics, I got into cardio. Cardio, cardio, cardio and more cardio...and not eating..no bueno..and then I met NZ, he introduced me to the weight rack. It wasn't love at first dumbell-curl, but I did start to see changes in my physique and thought it was pretty dang cool.

From there, my determination to look like a fitness magazine cover got me into training for figure competitions, in which I trained for 12 weeks (weights and tons of cardio) and ate pre-portioned meals every 3-4 hours...Then I glued myself into an itsy bitsy bikini with rhinestones, a pair of lucite heels and got up on stage with a bunch of other women in my height class. While up on stage, the judges critique your physique, looking for symmetry, muscular development and an overall "look". To many, this would be their biggest nightmare. You know, the unforgiving stage lights shining down on your exposed body in a swimsuit smaller than a bandaid... But, to those of us who had put forth 12 weeks of hard work, and commitment to sticking with the meal plan, it was Heaven.

{2007 Contra Costa Show- 1st place A class}

Attaining a goal is an undescribable feeling. Setting out to do something, and making it happen. It is really just the best! I like things that are in my control, and training for fitness shows was something that I had control over, so it was definitely my cup of tea.

{My abs, circa 2006}

Why'd I go off on a tangent about figure competitions?

Because.... I have missed my fitness goals. This whole starting a family thing has really been quite a challenge and has put me on a long winding detour that feels so far removed from my "training-for-a-show" days. In the time that we've been trying to have one, some of my competitors have popped babies out and gotten back on stage the next year. I'm in awe of them. I am not sure when I will step back on stage, but I do know that long term, it is still something I want to do. Just gotta have babies first.

After some thought, I have decided to take a mental break from the stresses I put upon myself and take the next 8 weeks to give myself a chance to fulfill my fitness goal needs. During that time, I plan on giving the P90x challenge my total commitment. I want to see if it really does work! I'll give it my best and forget the rest!

I will try to remember to report weekly or bi-weekly on the workouts, and my experience with them. I have done the first two discs in the past 24 hours and I am s-m-o-k-e-d. Definitely NOT a walk in the park.

Not sure if I will be gutsy enought to post photos, but who knows, crazier things have happened, like getting up on stage in a bikini, right?

Love you forever

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be"

-Robert Munsch " I'll love you forever

Since it has been quite some time since our loss, I am always caught off guard (in a good way, of course) when a friend remembers that some of my days may still be rough. I've been pleasantly surprised with the memory of our little girl living on in someone else's mind twice in the recent month.

One of my BFF's who has been ever so patient with me, sent me a photo of a butterfly she released at an infant loss memorial held at a local hospital where she lives in Portland. It made my day.

Another one of my "rocks" gave me a penant necklace with the letter "D" inscribed on it. A friend of hers gave her one when she had her son, and she thought enough to get one for me in memory of Denise.

I don't need to have any blazing signs on me screaming "REMEMBER MY DEAD BABY, DAMMIT!", but this necklace and the ring that my sunshine gave me are just enough for me to look down at them and know that I have a little something to remember her by. Most people would never know why I wear the ring I wear, nor would they know that "D" is not a living child or my first initial.Subtlety rocks.

Let's face it. My friends and family rock.

Love them forever.

Something in the water?

There must be something in the water, because everywhere I go, there they are.

Pregnant women.

They're everywhere. The mall, the gym, the beach, the bowling alley, and facebook. They have taken over my world, or at least it seems so with my radar.

I never gave it much thought before..I used to look at them and think forward to one day sportin' a bump just like them, and I could imagine all the excitement and anxiousness they must be feeling getting ready to bring baby home.

Now I look at them, and my eyes well up.

I see them now, and I think back to that anxiousness and excitement I got to experience for 6 months. It was awesome. I had a bump. I loved my bump, and now, I miss my bump.

{My mama, me and my bump}

Of course, this is all part of the"wanting what you do not have" phenomenon. Let's face it, most of us want something that we do not have..whether it to be skinny like our BFF, popular like the girl at work, or have more money like our friend Ms. Money-bags. I get it. I really do. But I wish I didn't want what I want so bad. No matter how much harder we try, how much more money we spend, or how good of people we are, we can't make anything happen. What I want is out of our control.

I can't help but wonder if getting pregnant is just something that happens to other people now?
I am starting to feel that way.

Gots to have some

Does anyone else follow the Young House Love blog?

It's a wonderful blog written by newlywed first-time parents in a new "old" home. The blog has a bunch of DIY projects, tips and pointers, and I am in love with pretty much everything they have done.

I've also found a " gots to have some" item, which they've posted about a few times, but I never knew where to purchase them before. They're magnetic Wallflowers, sold in sets of 25 from Chiasso. What a super cool addition to the walls. Here's a link to how John & Sherry used them ( not to mention the swell idea to paint the wall with magnetic paint). I think I need some.

Him vs Her

I should really start a blog, simply titled, " $hitmyhusbandsays.com " to chronicle the many exchanges we have. Most are comical. Most would only drive the fact home that we are geeks.
There, I said it. Geek-Love, got some?

We had an exchange last week which I will call "Him vs Her" and the premise behind this exchange was his discovery of a newly placed framed piece of art ( A framed vintage Coppertone girl ad) on one of the ledge shelves in our living room. For the record: It had been there for a couple weeks before he noticed it.

NZ: (looking at the shelves behind our sofa): "How'd that picture get up there?"

Me: " It's been up there a couple weeks, I moved it from one room to another because it goes with my theme out here."

NZ: " I liked it better with just that vase up there."

Me: " But it's my shelf. I got it for Christmas."

NZ: " No you didn't, I bought it. I should have a say in what goes on it"

Me: " No, I got one for Christmas and bought the other one with Christmas money, boo-yah!"

NZ: " I'll buy it off you."

This conversation is probably not so funny if you don't know Nick and his minimalist attitude. He clearly preferred the previous arrangement of a single vase on a 3 foot long shelf, whereas his blushing bride prefered to have the vase and the framed picture on it.

She won.

Music to my ears

You know that movie, "Ground Hog Day" with Bill Murray, and how he wakes up to the same Sonny & Cher song " I got you babe" every morning?

Imagine hearing the same 3-5 CD's every single work day for the past 5 years.

That's my current situation.

CD's/Songs I hear on a pretty-much-daily-basis:

Norah Jones (the old stuff)
Shania Twain "Come on Over CD"
Rod Stewart " Greatest Hits"
The Carpenters volumes 1, 11 and 111 including CHRISTMAS hits!
Nat King Cole
Iz (the Hawaiian guy)
Lionel Richie
Grammy Winners 1995 (yes, 1995!!!!)

I know each song word for word, whether I like it or not. We have no radio, just a 5 disc changer, and 7 discs to choose from.

Like I said, totally Ground Hog day.

Today my world changed. I swiped NZ's transistor radio and took it in the office. My co-worker and I turned it on verrrrry low ( Today was not a clinic day-therefore no patient's in the office, just administrative stuff) and listened to gasp! THE RADIO.

It was beautiful, glorious, wonderful music. And the DJ's, they talked, and we got to listen to what was going on in our area all day long. Today's music selection ( Thanks K-HAY) was literally music to my ears.

This won't be a common occurence, but it sure was a nice break from the same old stuff day after day.