While you were away...

It's been a year, today, since our daughter was born. THREE HUNDRED SIXTY FIVE DAYS...and we made it..still alive, although there have been days, hours and glimpses of grief that have washed over me in which I thought I might die of heartache. As all those wise ones ahead of us have claimed, it has gotten a little bit easier with the passing of time. To acknowledge my first year without her, I wrote a short little letter..It's not meant to be sad, because I am not sad today. I am okay. I have accepted our fate, but I do want to acknowledge the dreams and hopes I had for her..and what I wish she had been around for in her first year away. Here goes..

In your first year away from us, I have to tell you...you missed out on some really good times...

Last June, just 2 weeks after you were born, we visited your grandpa Ramjet at his "pad" in Northern California. We rode quads and fished and lived life in the slow lane for a few days. It was the nicest weather!

Throughout the summer, we went to a bunch of Dodger games..I even had a girlie Dodger onesie for you..I'm sure you would have slept through the games, but maybe I'd wake you up for a kiss in an attempt to get on the kiss-cam which is shown on the megatron screen for the stadium to see.Your mom changed her hair color and dad grew a 'stache..It was quite impressive, but he shaved it off after just a few months..Totally grab worthy. You could have gotten a good handful and done some damage to it.

You missed welcoming family friend, Karsyn into the world. She was born just weeks after you were due. Her mom & dad have been like family to me for a long long time, and I was excited for you two to meet. Shortly after Karsyn was born, your cousin Gianna was welcomed into the Zentil family..

For Christmas, your aunt Charlee organized a family photo on the beach..they turned out awesome, but I sure wish I had you to hold & show off. You missed your first overnights with Aunt Steph...Your dad and I went to Monterey with a bunch of friends to some really loud car races..Not sure you would have liked it at all, and knowing that your aunt would spoil you rotten, I would have felt confident leaving you with her for a weekend away while we went and listened to loud cars race around the track.

I'm sure you missed out on a bunch more, but to be honest, I did too. Out of all the dreams I had for you, I miss not being able to watch you grow up the most. If there is a Heaven out there, I hope you're in it, and I hope you're being good. Instead of a cake, your aunt and great grandma laid flowers at your great grandpa's grave in honor of your 1st Birthday. It's not what I had envisioned, but it's okay. Life is good, and even though you're away...the memory of you is always in my heart. And even though I am not so sad anymore, I still miss you every single day.

Love, Mom