Saturday, May 29, 2010

Thick skinned


Some people have been asking me how "things" are going with our journey to parenthood...and if you ask me, you will get a long docudrama-esque explanation, along with re-enactments if you hit me on a good day..Ask my husband and he keeps it short and sweet.

I envy this about him. I look up to him for his ability to keep things sane, straight and moving forward. Just enough information to answer a question, but not so much that others feel free to ask him twenty questions, thus limiting the akward situation-ness from his daily exchanges.

I, myself, have yet to master that quality. As my mama and my old gymnastics coaches always said, I am an open book. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and it's usually fairly easy for people to know when something is bothering me. Instead of mulling over things, and figuring out the consequences of what may come out of my mouth, I say things, and then later kick myself for letting other people into my world..but, I have no one to blame but myself for putting TMI out there.
It is getting to the point that I don't want people to know so much about my private life, and the road we are travelling in the world of babyloss and infertility issues. Not because I don't want to share with those who are also going through the same thing as us, but because of those who DO NOT KNOW what it's like from first hand experience. Those who say that they KNOW what we're going through, and spew out well intended cliches, or those who feel the need to tell us that they have a friend who lost five babies before they brought home a live one...Does that person really think that makes me feel better? Absolutely not.
However, I try to remind myself, that I wouldn't have to deal with words that hurt my feelings, if I never would have told anyone in the first place. The further we get into this whole journey, the more I am appreciating my husband's approach, and the more I am mad at myself for opening up to the real-world ( not the babyloss world, because so many of you have really really touched my heart and made me feel so not alone).

I made my blog private a couple weeks ago, but then realized that many other babyloss parents who are new to life-after-loss, would miss out on reading about the ups and downs I have gone through in trying to reclaim myself from the hole that was left in my heart on May 18, 2009. I wish there was a way to weed out readers, but there isn't...and so, I guess, I just need to get a thicker skin, or not say anything at all.

5 comments:

  1. I've often thought about making Lily's blog private but left it public for your exact reasons...I know reading other blogs has helped me through some dark times, those why me times, through the angry at God times...and, I hope that my open emotions helps some other family see that they're not alone.

    ((HUGS))

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  2. i think in the part of "followers" you can block people Brie.

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  3. Thank you for sharing your journey. I know that you have helped me, and I know that you will help others in the future. Still praying that God blesses your sweet family with a baby.

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  4. Sending you hugs brie. I like you have a hard time hiding my feelings i tend to wear them on my face when i think i'm not. I sometimes wish i could be like my husband too, but what i found is that eventhough he can give a short and quick answer, he still hurts and sometimes that gets to him. Not saying that the way he handles things is bad, but i've learned that i'd rather get out how i'm feeling when i'm feeling it and i've learned that it's okay to tell someone that you know they are trying to help, but it's not working. It's okay to tell them that they don't have to say anything, that a listening ear is enough. I know it's hard to find that balance but you have to look out for you and your heart. I hope the sucky suggestions stop. Sending you lots of hugs.

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  5. Love you Brie.. I cant imagine what kind of things people would say after all this, but do you want me to come kick their ass?! LOL

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