Hold, please.

Sometimes I feel like my life ( our life, actually) is like one of those calls to a really busy Doctor's office. You know, the kind where you call and the phone gets picked up, with the person on the other end immediately greeting you with,

" Hold, please".

You get no explanation for why you're on hold, although logical thinkers can figure out the possible scenarios. I usually wait out those long "holds" ( 13 minutes, really?!) and politely speak to the person who finally picks up. No complaining, cause I figure that they've already caught the wrath of the 6 calls ahead of me..

But with life, and being on hold, I want to yell at the fact that I'm on hold. I don't want to be polite. But I have no choice. Kicking and screaming will get us nowhere, but it would feel damn good. I want to have an explanation on why I can't have everything at the drop of a hat, or at a time that is convinient for me. Uhm, last year woulda been nice to have a baby...But, my baby making phone got picked up, answered briefly, then put on hold again. We're patiently ( okay, I lie..I'm not patient, but working on it) waiting again for our call to be answered..

However, life outside of the TTC world goes on while we're sitting here on hold.

There are many things I would rather be doing if the dang call could just get answered. There is just no way to do two things at once when you've been waiting so long. It's a decision of what we want the most..Do we want our call to be picked up, or do we want to hang up and make other plans?

I know, I know..What are you getting at, Brie?

You see, when NZ and I started trying to start our family, I thought to myself, a year away from training, max. I was going to be one of those moms who went back to the gym at 6 weeks postpartum and squashed all those blame-it-on-the-baby extra pounds. I saw myself getting back on stage within a year after having our first. I think NZ would have liked to do the same on his end. We both sacraficed our gym-bound lifestyle to have the best odds at getting pregnant.

Miscarrying at 9 weeks, with my first, was tough. I immediately wanted to get back into the gym to "do something with myself" and get my mind off the pain. I did get back in there, but only sporadically, as I had so many internal arguements with myself that usually questioned "what are you doing ?! You can't be super lean right now if you want babies!!". NZ helped to be the voice of reason, always keeping one foot in front of the other, for both of us.

Finally getting pregnant with #2 last December, I opted to embrace pregnancy and not worry about working out or weight gain. It's what you're supposed to do, right? I was just so excited to be pregnant and have another chance that every thought of working out went out the window. I had better things to do, like eat! ( mmmm, taco bell & Bagels!).

Now that we've lost our baby girl, and all of my postpartum issues and weight have gone away, I have motivation again. I've been back on the treadmill and in the gym, working out..in MODERATION. But, with this renewed love for the gym, comes the desire to compete again.
Every ounce of me knows that I can not (and really do not) need to do a competition anytime in the near future. Doing that would be like hanging up the phone after spending 45 minutes on hold and pressing every prompt available on the automated system.

For now, I will just sit on hold and doodle down my dreams on the paper in front of me...Patiently waiting for my call to be answered.

Someday, someone will pick it up, I know it.