I look down at my belly at least fifteen times a day, sucking it in in the mirror and telling myself that I don't "look" pregnant, so I must not be. It must be a dream. It's not real. This isn't happening.
But the reality of it is, I am pregnant. I do have a belly. It is growing bigger.
I play this game within my head on an hourly basis. I wake up from nightmares almost every morning in which I dream the baby has died, or that we've gotten bad news that the baby will die. Some of the nightmares are so realistic, I cry in my sleep, only to have NZ roll over and make sure I'm okay. I'm always glad when he wakes me, but it takes a moment for me to realize I was dreaming, and everything is okay. I wake up exhausted.
I think after all the struggles and losses we've experienced in the past, pregnancy will never be a walk in the park for me emotionally. I think I will always expect that something will go wrong, as to not get my hopes up. It stinks to have baggage holding me back from truly enjoying pregnancy. I've got one more week to go before we get confirmation that all is well, and I find myself feeling more and more anxious as the days pass since my last appointment. It's like I need constant confirmation that a) I have a baby inside and b) baby has a heartbeat.
Sure, I could buy or rent a Doppler, but could you imagine the panic if I don't find a heartbeat while doing it myself? We're two hours from my OB, and 20 minutes from our local hospital...I'm afraid that I would wind up in either hospital on a weekly basis if someone laid my hands on a Doppler. Better left to the professionals. Besides, I'm learning patience, right?
I don't know exactly where this post is going, except that having one baby after loss doesn't make later pregnancies any less worrisome...and having this pregnancy come so easily almost freaks me out that it's too good to be true, so I spend my days waiting for heartbreak, when instead I should be embracing the fact that our chances of having another child are so much higher than the chances of losing it.
All anxiety aside, I am happy. I am excited. I am lucky.
This I know.
Here's to me re-reading this post in 5 months saying to myself, " you worried for nothing!".
I bet in five months you'll be too busy to re-read this b/c you'll have both Sal and his little brother or sister on your hands!
ReplyDeleteI think it's normal for us. I'm still having freak out moments because at 19 weeks on Tuesday, E still isn't moving much...which as I say that, I just got kicked in the bladder and REALLY need to go pee! I do have a Doppler at home, but haven't used it NEAR as much as I did with Cameron.
ReplyDeleteBecause pregnancy really isn't easy for us, we made the decision that this is our last pregnancy. Even without having to go through the infertility like last time to get to this point, we've decided the 9 months that follows the "getting there" part is just too much.
But come December and January, we both are going to be SUPER busy! Toddlers and newborns...Yikes!
I hear ya. I'm no different. I am a doppler lover, but it still doesn't change my fears/nerves. In fact, all it does is lessen the # of times I show up at the OB's office scared.
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