Mama needs a favor

Dear Denise,

I know it's been a while I've posted a blog letter to you, but I hope you know not a day goes by that I don't still think about you, your birth, and what you might be like today. Your little brother is quite a handful--and sometimes I find myself thinking about what life here in Wuxi would be like with you here to play with him. 

As much as I wish you were here with us today, I understand it's all a dream. I tell myself you are in Heaven with all the other babies (ahem, sorry--big kids) whose parents are down here missing them, along with our other loved ones who have passed.  I picture you being a little spitfire, yet still polite, caring and welcoming to all those that arrive. I'm sure you're loving having both grandpa's spoiling you, and I'm pretty sure you and Esmay have them wrapped around your little fingers.  

Mama has a request for you-- please keep an eye on little W. He was born too soon, just like you, and he went up to Heaven last week. His mama is one of my besties, and my heart aches for her and W's daddy. Do you think you could show him around, make him comfortable, and give me some peace of mind knowing my baby is looking out for her baby?  

As always, I love you and miss you and wish you were here.

Love,

Mama

Sucker.

I caved.

I bought the girl some clothes.

So much for my "not buying anything until 30 weeks" rule I set for myself. I'm so superstitious about buying things for a baby that hasn't arrived yet. Mostly because past experience of having to sort through and give away clothes and baby gear that belonged to a baby that didn't come home. 

Talk about sucking big time. That experience is up there amongst my all time suckiest situations. (yes, suckiest is a word, autocorrect!). 

They say time makes you forget. I'll tell you what. That's a lie.

Time doesn't make you forget. All it does is let hope creep back in. 

So, that's what is going on here with this purchase. I'm letting HOPE back in. Hope that this little girl comes into the world just like her big brother did. Planned and on time...and most of all healthy enough to come home and be ours to raise and watch grow into this dress and these shoes.

16/17 weeks

How many weeks? 16/17

      Photo from 16w6d

Showing? Yes.

How am I feeling? Scared out of my mind. Uneasy. Anxious. I was so used to having appointments every two weeks in the states (OB, and MFM specialist) that having to wait four weeks between each visit here really messes with my head. I need constant confirmation that this baby is still alive and thriving. 

Doctor’s Appointment? I saw an OB at the new hospital. She was very attentive and interested in understanding my history of losses. I even had an ultrasound in 3D/4D! I was especially touched by the nurse who accompanied us to the ultrasound picking Sal up when he started to fuss. She brought him to my side and held him while Nick and I paid attention to the ultrasound. We went in not knowing what to expect but I walked out a very satisfied patient. Next visit is in four weeks for the level II anatomy scan.

Workouts? Sal and I walked to the vegetable market a couple of times in the 100+ degree heat. The day we went to Shanghai was 102 f but the real feel was 114! It's brutal. I should find something to keep active as I gained more weight the last four weeks than I thought I had. 

Sleep? I am still napping while Sal naps to make up for my exhausting nightmares and wild dreams that I've been having.

Weight Gain?  Oh my, yes! 2.8kg (that's like 6 lbs, in four weeks!)

Baby preparation? We chose a hospital for all of my care and purchased thE prenatal and birth packages. I also ordered the second seat for the stroller and our cousin has offered to pick up the carseat adapter on craigslist for us. I'm having to break my not-buying-anything-until-30 weeks rule this time around because some of the things we need are only available in the USA and we will need to bring them back with us next month.  

Likes/Dislikes? Apples and peanut butter, apple juice 50/50 with water, cream cheese, frozen grapes, water with lots of lemon

Anxious, much?

I have to admit, I find myself in denial (even at 16 weeks in) that we are actually expecting again.

I look down at my belly at least fifteen times a day, sucking it in in the mirror and telling myself that I don't "look" pregnant, so I must not be. It must be a dream. It's not real. This isn't happening. 

But the reality of it is, I am pregnant. I do have a belly. It is growing bigger.

I play this game within my head on an hourly basis. I wake up from nightmares almost every morning in which I dream the baby has died, or that we've gotten bad news that the baby will die. Some of the nightmares are so realistic, I cry in my sleep, only to have NZ roll over and make sure I'm okay. I'm always glad when he wakes me, but it takes a moment for me to realize I was dreaming, and everything is okay. I wake up exhausted. 

I think after all the struggles and losses we've experienced in the past, pregnancy will never be a walk in the park for me emotionally. I think I will always expect that something will go wrong, as to not get my hopes up. It stinks to have baggage holding me back from truly enjoying pregnancy. I've got one more week to go before we get confirmation that all is well, and I find myself feeling more and more anxious as the days pass since my last appointment. It's like I need constant confirmation that a) I have a baby inside and b) baby has a heartbeat. 

Sure, I could buy or rent a Doppler, but could you imagine the panic if I don't find a heartbeat while doing it myself? We're two hours from my OB, and 20 minutes from our local hospital...I'm afraid that I would wind up in either hospital on a weekly basis if someone laid my hands on a Doppler. Better left to the professionals. Besides, I'm learning patience, right?

I don't know exactly where this post is going, except that having one baby after loss doesn't make later pregnancies any less worrisome...and having this pregnancy come so easily almost freaks me out that it's too good to be true, so I spend my days waiting for heartbreak, when instead I should be embracing the fact that our chances of having another child are so much higher than the chances of losing it. 

All anxiety aside, I am happy. I am excited. I am lucky. 

This I know. 

Here's to me re-reading this post in 5 months saying to myself, " you worried for nothing!".

Say whaaaaat?

Sal wasn't sure how he felt when he heard the news...

But he came around and shares our joy....

Words can't express how excited, scared, anxious and happy we are to be expecting again. 

I  found out I was pregnant again while in California. NZ and I were out shopping and all of a sudden I felt faint.  "Nick, if I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant."  He didn't say anything, and I quickly dismissed the silly notion because that just doesn't happen to us. Sal was four years in the making--no way we would be so lucky to get pregnant while he's still such a little guy. 

Two days later, still feeling faint and tired, I bought a test.

Sure enough, two pink lines.

PREGNANT.

I may or may not have uttered some expletives, but they were happy expletives. 

We were scheduled to fly back to China a few days after my discovery,  so I called my old OB and they fit me in before we left to confirm we had a viable embryo.  Right away, my Doc eased my fears and said, "strong heartbeat. One baby. Six and a half weeks."

Awesome-sauce.

I got my little printout of our speck of rice, thanked the staff and headed to my car with a sigh of relief and smile on my face. That night, NZ and I raided our storage facility and pulled out my maternity clothes to bring home to China. It felt good to be pulling them back out. 

Two days later, we boarded the plane bound for China with the happiest secret in the world on our minds. 

Stay tuned for an overdose of pregnancy updates, my takes on maternity care in China and most likely a few freak outs and obsessive posts about how I'm gonna juggle a toddler and a newborn come January.