I recently ran across a blog called " Are you sure you're doing it right?" which had me laughing to myself ( okay, out loud, but no one was around to hear me and ask 'what's so funny?"). And maybe what I was laughing out wouldn't be funny to 95 % of the population, but to those who have struggled with getting pregnant, oh my would it ever resonate with you.
It's no secret that everyone loves to give advice.
And I am usually game for well intended advice...until I have heard it for 3 years straight..after that, I'm done. Just turn the record player off, thank you.
The ones I get the most are...
"Go on a vacation.. and it will happen"
-Really? It's that easy? Well blow me down! How could we miss that? Is it in one of the books I haven't read? We've been on vacations. We came back the way we went..not pregnant, and a few pounds heavier from boozin' (which is yet another suggestion.."just get drunk").
"Just don't think about it"
-As "Are you sure you're doing it right" blogger, Alli wrote..."Don't think about your tongue"...Okay, now what are you thinking about?". See..it's not that easy to stop thinking about something once it's on your mind.
" Stop stressing. Relax"
-Hard to do. I have tried. Believe me, I have. But arranging appointments, prescriptions and protocols is like a full-time job of it's own. I've already got a "real" job, but now I have one "real" job, and one "super-stressful-try-to-schedule-everything-around-my-real-job" job, so that I don't let my commitment to my real job fall by the wayside as I try to navigate the road to reaching our goal of bringing home a baby. So, yeah, that's stressful. No way around it, and impossible to relax.
"Apply for adoption, and you're sure to get pregnant..so and so knows so and so, and her sister tried for 4 years and finally signed on for adoption and wouldn't you know...she got pregnant"
-Adoption is a serious commitment. It shouldn't be a second-best or back-up plan. If you are going to adopt, it should be "the" plan. I find it offensive when people make adoption sound like a second rate plan. It's a serious decision to adopt, and going through the adoption process is definitely not an easy thing to do either. And seriously, how would adopting a kid have any effect on someone's ability to conceive on their own? It's not magic, it's not free, and it's just as heart wrenching and stressful as struggling to get pregnant.
"You've already been pregnant. You don't have a problem."
-That statement is actually somewhat true for my first pregnancy. However, there's such a thing as secondary infertility, and uhm," hay-ay-y, apparently that's me". It took a full 10 months to get pregnant with #2, and #3 had some pharmaceutical assistance. So, yeah--not that easy anymore. My body's on strike, even though I know what it used to be capable of, that damn clock kept moving forward even as my life after loss seemed to stand still ..I woke up and OMG, I'm 33 and still not pregnant. What up ovaries?
Don't get me wrong, I take these comments in stride, and even laugh a little most of the time...because if it were all that easy, I'd feel like quite the fool for not going on a year long vacation in which all my worries could be washed away with cute little umbrella drinks, a tan and a baby on the way...which would be far more enjoyable than the countless hours I have spent waiting in the reception lobby of my RE's office during my lunch break, for an appointment that's running 45 minutes late.
It's no secret that everyone loves to give advice.
And I am usually game for well intended advice...until I have heard it for 3 years straight..after that, I'm done. Just turn the record player off, thank you.
The ones I get the most are...
"Go on a vacation.. and it will happen"
-Really? It's that easy? Well blow me down! How could we miss that? Is it in one of the books I haven't read? We've been on vacations. We came back the way we went..not pregnant, and a few pounds heavier from boozin' (which is yet another suggestion.."just get drunk").
"Just don't think about it"
-As "Are you sure you're doing it right" blogger, Alli wrote..."Don't think about your tongue"...Okay, now what are you thinking about?". See..it's not that easy to stop thinking about something once it's on your mind.
" Stop stressing. Relax"
-Hard to do. I have tried. Believe me, I have. But arranging appointments, prescriptions and protocols is like a full-time job of it's own. I've already got a "real" job, but now I have one "real" job, and one "super-stressful-try-to-schedule-everything-around-my-real-job" job, so that I don't let my commitment to my real job fall by the wayside as I try to navigate the road to reaching our goal of bringing home a baby. So, yeah, that's stressful. No way around it, and impossible to relax.
"Apply for adoption, and you're sure to get pregnant..so and so knows so and so, and her sister tried for 4 years and finally signed on for adoption and wouldn't you know...she got pregnant"
-Adoption is a serious commitment. It shouldn't be a second-best or back-up plan. If you are going to adopt, it should be "the" plan. I find it offensive when people make adoption sound like a second rate plan. It's a serious decision to adopt, and going through the adoption process is definitely not an easy thing to do either. And seriously, how would adopting a kid have any effect on someone's ability to conceive on their own? It's not magic, it's not free, and it's just as heart wrenching and stressful as struggling to get pregnant.
"You've already been pregnant. You don't have a problem."
-That statement is actually somewhat true for my first pregnancy. However, there's such a thing as secondary infertility, and uhm," hay-ay-y, apparently that's me". It took a full 10 months to get pregnant with #2, and #3 had some pharmaceutical assistance. So, yeah--not that easy anymore. My body's on strike, even though I know what it used to be capable of, that damn clock kept moving forward even as my life after loss seemed to stand still ..I woke up and OMG, I'm 33 and still not pregnant. What up ovaries?
Don't get me wrong, I take these comments in stride, and even laugh a little most of the time...because if it were all that easy, I'd feel like quite the fool for not going on a year long vacation in which all my worries could be washed away with cute little umbrella drinks, a tan and a baby on the way...which would be far more enjoyable than the countless hours I have spent waiting in the reception lobby of my RE's office during my lunch break, for an appointment that's running 45 minutes late.
Don't I know it brie, if it was that easy,(minus adopting, I feel like you , adoption is something that should be the plan and a full commitment), but again if doing all the others were that easy (especially when first starting to ttc ) then i should have a football team. Sending you hugs ;O)
ReplyDeleteAll of these comments sound SO familiar! (well, except for the last one because I have never been pregnant on my own without assistance). But all the other ones... yes, I have probably heard every. single. one 10-20 times each. And it does get very old, very fast. Not only that, but you are left with this feeling that those people around you do not understand what you are going through, that somehow you don't really have a problem (you are just not doing something right!) and it can feel very frustrating at times - in addition to mildly insulting.
ReplyDeleteOther comments that I have heard (some from close family members by the way):
- "Try Chinese medecine / acupuncture"
Now, I don't really have anything against acupuncture / Chinese medicine per se (although I don't see myself personally lying down in a doctor's office looking like a hedgehog), but in that case, I strongly favor traditional medicine techniques which at least have a real chance of making me ovulate (notice I didn't say make me pregnant, but at least ovulation for me was a good step in the right direction)
- "You two are not doing it right" (as in we are not having sex the right way)
This one actually came from a very close family member and infuriated us quite a bit. It is quite insulting to say the least.
By and large, I do not think people mean harm however when they say these comments. I just think they don't know what to say and they cannot comprehend that someone else could have a real hard time getting pregnant (when for them it probably happened "without them even trying).
And I also remember all too well those endless hours in the reception lobby at the RE office, the stress/anxiety waiting on the table right before having yet another ultrasound, wondering what they will see on the screen this time, reading into every single sign your body makes (or is that me imaginating them?)... I could go on and on...
Sending you big hugs your way!