While sitting in my OB's office today, for my first appointment with her, I had to go over my pregnancy history with the nurse. I couldn't help but do the math..it's 2014 now. My first miscarriage was 2008. I have been pregnant or trying to get pregnant for every single year since 2008.
When I found out I was expecting again, I was in disbelief. I was still very much a slave to nursing tops and Carla's on demand feeding schedule. I hadn't yet dropped all my pregnancy pounds, although it was coming off, slowly but surely. I hadn't even had the chance to join my husband for Friday night cocktails--one of my favorite things we've done together throughout the years.
And just like that, all of the things I looked forward to doing once Carla started taking bottles were pushed off into the future. My wants would have to wait. Someday I will feel like myself again.
But for now, I feel perpetually pregnant.
I'm almost 16 weeks but look 24. The belly is being rocked. When people ask how far along I am, and learn that I'm not even half way, they often tell me it must be a big baby. Or, they tell me, "well, it is number three, you know." And inside my head, the asshole in me is repeating FOUR. This is going to be the fourth baby I've grown and birthed. But you know, I don't want to be an asshole, so I keep that whole snarky FOURTH CHILD inside my head to save any weirdness.
My hopes for this pregnancy is that I am able to enjoy it. My previous pregnancies were filled with so much anxiety that I lived from appointment to appointment and sometimes made appointments in between just so I could know that the baby was still alive. I was scared of reliving that moment when I learned Denise was no longer living. I still am...but I'm hopeful that I can put fear aside and really just roll with the punches. I'm in a really good place in my life, surrounded by family and easily accessible physicians. I've had two healthy children with no complications. That's got to mean something, right?
Yet, I still wrestle with that feeling of doom.
This coming from a woman who saw her baby and its heartbeat just two hours ago.
The countdown is on to my next appointment.
Such is the life of the perpetually pregnant.