Mama needs a favor

Dear Denise,

I know it's been a while I've posted a blog letter to you, but I hope you know not a day goes by that I don't still think about you, your birth, and what you might be like today. Your little brother is quite a handful--and sometimes I find myself thinking about what life here in Wuxi would be like with you here to play with him. 

As much as I wish you were here with us today, I understand it's all a dream. I tell myself you are in Heaven with all the other babies (ahem, sorry--big kids) whose parents are down here missing them, along with our other loved ones who have passed.  I picture you being a little spitfire, yet still polite, caring and welcoming to all those that arrive. I'm sure you're loving having both grandpa's spoiling you, and I'm pretty sure you and Esmay have them wrapped around your little fingers.  

Mama has a request for you-- please keep an eye on little W. He was born too soon, just like you, and he went up to Heaven last week. His mama is one of my besties, and my heart aches for her and W's daddy. Do you think you could show him around, make him comfortable, and give me some peace of mind knowing my baby is looking out for her baby?  

As always, I love you and miss you and wish you were here.

Love,

Mama

Anxious, much?

I have to admit, I find myself in denial (even at 16 weeks in) that we are actually expecting again.

I look down at my belly at least fifteen times a day, sucking it in in the mirror and telling myself that I don't "look" pregnant, so I must not be. It must be a dream. It's not real. This isn't happening. 

But the reality of it is, I am pregnant. I do have a belly. It is growing bigger.

I play this game within my head on an hourly basis. I wake up from nightmares almost every morning in which I dream the baby has died, or that we've gotten bad news that the baby will die. Some of the nightmares are so realistic, I cry in my sleep, only to have NZ roll over and make sure I'm okay. I'm always glad when he wakes me, but it takes a moment for me to realize I was dreaming, and everything is okay. I wake up exhausted. 

I think after all the struggles and losses we've experienced in the past, pregnancy will never be a walk in the park for me emotionally. I think I will always expect that something will go wrong, as to not get my hopes up. It stinks to have baggage holding me back from truly enjoying pregnancy. I've got one more week to go before we get confirmation that all is well, and I find myself feeling more and more anxious as the days pass since my last appointment. It's like I need constant confirmation that a) I have a baby inside and b) baby has a heartbeat. 

Sure, I could buy or rent a Doppler, but could you imagine the panic if I don't find a heartbeat while doing it myself? We're two hours from my OB, and 20 minutes from our local hospital...I'm afraid that I would wind up in either hospital on a weekly basis if someone laid my hands on a Doppler. Better left to the professionals. Besides, I'm learning patience, right?

I don't know exactly where this post is going, except that having one baby after loss doesn't make later pregnancies any less worrisome...and having this pregnancy come so easily almost freaks me out that it's too good to be true, so I spend my days waiting for heartbreak, when instead I should be embracing the fact that our chances of having another child are so much higher than the chances of losing it. 

All anxiety aside, I am happy. I am excited. I am lucky. 

This I know. 

Here's to me re-reading this post in 5 months saying to myself, " you worried for nothing!".

Nervous, much?

This week has been a big one for me. It marks my first week of a part time work schedule, which I will continue through October before officially retiring from my job of 6 years. To many, my limited hours and decision to stop working all together by the time I reach 27 weeks may seem premature, but for me, it's what needs to be.

Although we have (knock on wood) been fairly lucky thus far, and had only one unplanned visit to my OB's office which turned out totally okay, I haven't enjoyed this pregnancy to it's fullest..Let me rephrase that as to not sound like an ungrateful brat- I totally 100% appreciate the chance we have at parenthood...and I know there are many couples out there who are still in waiting, whether it be through infertility treatments or adoption--and my heart goes out to them-but the anxiety I have over this pregnancy has given me a run for my money.

Every week, it's something new to worry about..first it was getting a heartbeat, then it was making it to the second trimester, then it was passing the quad screen and making it to 20 weeks...now it's making it to tomorrow...

24 weeks- that's THE week. THE week that changed our lives forever last time around..THE week that taught us what it's like to grieve over loss, and to soldier on...THE week that got me dreaming of someday bringing another baby home that we'd be able to raise.

So, with the arrival of THE week, I'm understandably nervous.

This quote has been floating around pinterest for the last week or so, and I need to tattoo it to my forehead...

"99% of the things we worry about never happen."

I sure hope this is true, and that for once, just once, ahem not the 1% whose worry comes true.

Love you forever

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be"

-Robert Munsch " I'll love you forever

Since it has been quite some time since our loss, I am always caught off guard (in a good way, of course) when a friend remembers that some of my days may still be rough. I've been pleasantly surprised with the memory of our little girl living on in someone else's mind twice in the recent month.

One of my BFF's who has been ever so patient with me, sent me a photo of a butterfly she released at an infant loss memorial held at a local hospital where she lives in Portland. It made my day.

Another one of my "rocks" gave me a penant necklace with the letter "D" inscribed on it. A friend of hers gave her one when she had her son, and she thought enough to get one for me in memory of Denise.

I don't need to have any blazing signs on me screaming "REMEMBER MY DEAD BABY, DAMMIT!", but this necklace and the ring that my sunshine gave me are just enough for me to look down at them and know that I have a little something to remember her by. Most people would never know why I wear the ring I wear, nor would they know that "D" is not a living child or my first initial.Subtlety rocks.

Let's face it. My friends and family rock.

Love them forever.

here's your sign

I love it.

It singlehandedly explains without words what I feel like these days.

As Foxworthy says,

"Here's your sign"..

What's most important is that it doesn't say "Dead End" or "Wrong Way"...but simply, "Detour"..even if it is a wild goose chase.
See, I can be positive.

My inner Eeyore

As an earlier post of mine mentioned, I have been blog-stalking NieNies dialogue's for the past few nights, and am almost caught up to the present...and the discovery of this blog could not have been timed any better.

This week, simply put, has been a woe-is-me week.

Woe-is-me that I'm not a teacher with a summer vacation to spend chasing my kids around..God I long for those days...and it was my plan, long ago..to become a teacher and a mom, but a turn of events in my early twenties put a hold pattern on my plans to become an elementary school teacher. I did teach pre-k for 3 years, nannied for 2, and abso-freaking-lutely adored those years. I got to be creative, have some fun, and laugh A-lot...Someday, I will be able to enjoy summers again, with my own children (there's some positve thinking), and maybe even meet up with their dad for lunch at the park..But for now, hubby and I slave away at the office, hoping that those days we look forward to become a reality.

Woe-is-me that I'm STILL not pregnant.

Woe-is-me that I have a wedding to attend this Sunday, and no one willing to do hair and make-up, so therefore, I will attempt to do my own while watching a youtube tutorial on "smokey-eyes" through my computer screen..pretty sure I am going to look my my nemesis, the raccoon..but, I have to try..because hell, no one else is going to do it for me.

My hair, well, let's just hope for a good hair day, and patience in myself for doing a complete blow-out..on.my.own. I usually get lazy half way through and end up with the front looking like a party, and the back looking like I touched a light socket. But hey, I love the new color..so that's a plus.

I have a few other woe-is-me's, which include not having my sunshine to kiss me goodnight ( I really love his kisses), or to talk-his ear off during supper, or to debate whether or not we feel like going to the gym for a workout vs. grabbing some Taco Bell and watching 30Rock ( gasp! Yes we eat T-Bell). He was in Spain this week. He was home last week. He was in France the week before..and the week before that, he was throwing a bachelor party for his little brother, and the week before that, I was gone at the coordinating bachelorette party..So uhm, yeah, I sorta miss his face. Like , A lot.

Snivel, Snivel, Snivel.

And then...I read NieNie's Dialogues.

And I watched a clip of her appearance on Oprah, and an interview she has done with a lady who joined her for a tour of her home and daily life/struggles. And in the interview, the lady comes across a photograph of the Nielson family..A photo of the family BC ( before the crash), and OMG! they were the posterchild for Anthropologie ads..BEAUTIFUL. The lady starts to get teary eyed as she tells Stephanie ( NieNie) how beautiful she used to be..and asks if Nie Nie feels like that is a different person than who she is now..and Nie Nie takes a minute and points to her husband and her children in the photo, and tells the lady that she has everything she needs right there in that photo. The crash took away her looks, but it did not take away her family.. and hearing her say that puts it all in perspective.

And all at once, I felt bad about my woe-is-me week. The Nielson family has it all right and I am thankful for their blog for pointing it out to me..I need not reach any further than my own family and close friends, and I have everything a girl could need.

GB: A sister's perspective

A while back, my sister, Stephanie, at Sweetcreationsbystephanie.com asked me if I would like to guest blog about some of my sweet treats. I've entertained the idea for a few weeks, and have finally decided what I want to guest blog (GB) about...In exchange, I asked her to share an aunt's perspective on the loss of her niece, and her relationship with me over the past year. I thought this might help out the family members of other BL parents, since there doesn't seem to be a whole lot out there directed at family members who certainly feel the loss as well.

From Stephanie...

As an aunt, a sister, a sister in law .. this has been one of the most challenging years I've ever experienced in my 38 years. Thinking back to the beginning of 2009, there was so much happiness in our family. We were all so excited for Nick & Brie. After a loss in 2008, we felt 2009 was going to be the year that they would finally have their baby. Taking myself back to late April when we found out Baby Z was a healthy baby girl..I remember pure excitement & relief to hear she was healthy. I don't think I put the phone down before I was already ordering a custom onesie that said "My Auntie Steph thinks I'm the cutest baby ever". It was true, without even seeing her, I knew she would hold my heart forever. What I didn't know was she would keep a part of it...and make part of it lost forever. One year from her birth, I still wonder what could have been...5 years from now, I will still wonder... it's a piece of me...of our family that will always be a unknown.

Being an immediate family member has proven to be tough at times... I became a major part of my sister's support system. At first you don't have time to think about how you feel...it's all about them. At some point you stop, you realize what YOU have lost..a niece, a nephew.. a part of your family and you grieve. My sister and I are very close. She knows I never judge her, she knows I will always support her, we've been though a lot, especially over the last 15 years.. through it all, we will always be there for one another in good times & bad. I tend to be the mediator of the family, I want everyone to be happy and content. I had to realize that I could not fix this for anyone... all I could do was listen and all I could say is "I'm sorry".

Unless you've lost a child you can not say "I know what you are going through" or "You're young, you still have plenty of time"... it doesn't make the parent feel any better about their loss. The best thing to do is be there, don't be afraid to talk about the baby, listen to them and give them the support they need. Supporting the parents is the best thing you can do.

I have become very sensitive to how children are treated by their parents. I hear a mother yell, "Stop that, you are such a brat." I cringe & think to myself, "She really doesn't know how lucky she is to have that child." Never take for granted what you have, it can be lost in a heartbeat.

I hope that someday soon, my sister and brother in law will have a happy healthy lil' one in their arms ... a lil' one that an auntie can spoil with lots of love. I'm so very proud of the two of them... they've made it through something that many couples are not strong enough to get through.

Steph

Thick skinned

Some people have been asking me how "things" are going with our journey to parenthood...and if you ask me, you will get a long docudrama-esque explanation, along with re-enactments if you hit me on a good day..Ask my husband and he keeps it short and sweet.

I envy this about him. I look up to him for his ability to keep things sane, straight and moving forward. Just enough information to answer a question, but not so much that others feel free to ask him twenty questions, thus limiting the akward situation-ness from his daily exchanges.

I, myself, have yet to master that quality. As my mama and my old gymnastics coaches always said, I am an open book. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and it's usually fairly easy for people to know when something is bothering me. Instead of mulling over things, and figuring out the consequences of what may come out of my mouth, I say things, and then later kick myself for letting other people into my world..but, I have no one to blame but myself for putting TMI out there.

It is getting to the point that I don't want people to know so much about my private life, and the road we are travelling in the world of babyloss and infertility issues. Not because I don't want to share with those who are also going through the same thing as us, but because of those who DO NOT KNOW what it's like from first hand experience. Those who say that they KNOW what we're going through, and spew out well intended cliches, or those who feel the need to tell us that they have a friend who lost five babies before they brought home a live one...Does that person really think that makes me feel better? Absolutely not.

However, I try to remind myself, that I wouldn't have to deal with words that hurt my feelings, if I never would have told anyone in the first place. The further we get into this whole journey, the more I am appreciating my husband's approach, and the more I am mad at myself for opening up to the real-world ( not the babyloss world, because so many of you have really really touched my heart and made me feel so not alone).

I made my blog private a couple weeks ago, but then realized that many other babyloss parents who are new to life-after-loss, would miss out on reading about the ups and downs I have gone through in trying to reclaim myself from the hole that was left in my heart on May 18, 2009. I wish there was a way to weed out readers, but there isn't...and so, I guess, I just need to get a thicker skin, or not say anything at all.