Swollen Heart

I woke up to an email from one of my BFF's this morning which made my eyes fill with tears, and heart swell with gratitude.

12x12 blankets for Preemie Prints

"Brie,

When I emailed earlier, I forgot that I had other good news to share. It is news of a completed project, although I can't take credit for finishing it. My mom helped a lot. Back when Denise was born, you blogged about preemie blankets. I remember going right to JoAnn to shop for the project, I found adorable fabric and started sewing, J. came over to help one night -- we made a few, but didn't manage to put a dent in the fabric supply I'd planned. Then the project got put on hold due to sewing machine issues and my lack of true sewing skills. My mom finished our project last month, and she sent a whole pile of mini-blankets to Preemie Prints in Texas, in memory of Denise. The blankets turned out beautifully -- they're so soft and pretty, with just tiny tiny prints on them. Picture of a few is attached.

Lots of love, S. "

To see that people still think of, and do things in memory of Denise makes me feel an overwhelming sense of love and support, despite her having been gone 3 years. Millions of families are affected by premature births, and the need for these blankets will always be there. Here's a link to my original post, for anyone feeling crafty and charitable.

EDIT: Three days after originally posting, I received a link in my inbox worth watching. My college roommate/teammate/BFF, Dawn, and her MOMS club in Spring, Texas were featured on the local news for the itty bitty blankets that they had all made and donated. Again, I am touched, and feel so much gratitude towards the efforts made to help grieving families feel the love.

Here's the link to the news coverage...

http://www.myfoxhouston.com/story/19130048/2012/07/27/blankets-help-mothers-cope-with-loss-of-babies-in-hospital


Thank you Mac!

Three Years Old

Today is May 18th.

Even the tiniest of footprints leave a mark on this world.
Denise 05-18-09

I'm wishing that we had a sassy pants 3 year old to celebrate today.

Wishing that the culmination of agonizing over which party dress to put her in, and the deets of a family birthday party were all coming together...and definitely, most definitely, charging our camera battery so we could capture her nailing the pinata with a whiffle bat.

Instead, I'm sitting here remembering the little girl that we had to say hello and goodbye to in the very same breath. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her in some way. Sure, time has mended my broken heart, but the scar is still there, and it's still not completely healed. I'm pretty sure it never will.

I'm okay with that. I like to think about her. I don't want to forget her, because as I've said over and over in this blog...she was very much wanted and loved.

This year has blessed us with a little brother for Denise.

It's bittersweet, it really is.

Sometimes I stare at him while he is sleeping, and wonder if she would have looked like him. I wonder if she would have acted like he does, or smile the way he does...and sure, it makes me a bit sad that I will never get to know, but at the same time, I feel like I see a part of her everytime I look at him.

And for that, I am ever so thankful.

Happy 3rd Birthday, baby girl..( if she were around I bet she'd say "Mama, I isn't your baby. I'z a big girl!" or something so stinkin cute I'd go grab the video camera and prod her to say it again)

Denise, your mama misses you. Every.Single. Day.

And with that, I'll leave you with a link to my song for her from the Band Perry.

All it takes is a glance

In our preparations for the move, we've been cleaning out the house from top to bottom. We had a garage sale last weekend, and rid ourselves of many no-longer needed items. It felt so good to purge ourselves of the excess. I had no idea that we I had accumulated so much junk. Good news is that almost all of my crafting, baking and sewing supplies sold like hotcakes. Nick says it's cause I'm a much more generous bargainer than he is. Someone would offer me a price, and I'd usually take it. Even if it was a steal! Math has never been my strong point, lol.

Anyways, I had a bookshelf in our office that was full of my fabric bolts, books and other miscellaneous items that I wanted to sell. So, one night last week, I started the business of clearing off the shelves so that it could be moved to the garage, cleaned and priced for sale.

And then I saw it.

All it took was a glance..

 I was brought back to the days immediately following May 18, 2009 when Nick brought home a velveteen bag with a box inside.

We still have her.

How could I have forgotten?

As I did a double take, I realized I wasn't seeing things, but that we do in fact, still have our little girl's ashes...and they've been living on a dusty bookshelf amongst my colorful bolts of fabric and Garth Brooks CD set.

I got teary eyed. Okay, I bawled, and Sal looked at me like, "iz u okay, mama?"

Having a child now does not replace the dreams and hopes and wonder of what she would have been like.  I still want her, I still miss her...I still wonder.

I gave myself a moment, and quickly grabbed her urn, and moved it to a safe place..Our desk drawer.

The following day, NZ found her in our desk, and said the exact same thing that I had...all it took was a glance and it stops you dead in your tracks.

We've been fortunate to have the arrival of Sal into our lives. Neither one of us take a single day of him for granted...but one thing is for certain, we wish she was around to dote on a little brother. I imagine she'd be a spitfire. Maybe a bit overbearing, but defintiely a mama's "helper" that loooooved her brudder.

All it took was a glance to ground me once again.

Now I'm starting to think that maybe it's time we spread her ashes somewhere special that we can visit year after year.

I'm ready.