Right on the money

We had a patient come into the office today, who so sweetly remembered that this was the week I was due to deliver, and asked me how I was doing.

It was such a small gesture, but it definitely made me feel not so alone in trying to figure out which role grief is going to play in my day to day business. I mean, it's a daily struggle..but it's not impossible. I don't want to forget the experience I went through, and the little girl I held, but I also don't want to dwell on it every waking hour. It's a fine line, this whole grief business.

I'm finding that we ALL deal with grief differently. I'm finding that most of my days are full of hope, and very few are filled with despair. Today started out as a morning of despair. I cried on my way to work. I thought to myself, how unfair..why me..when will we get lucky? All the random thoughts that go through the head of someone who has lost a baby..What about next time? What if it happens again? Why do all my friends have babies and uncomplicated pregnancies, and I don't? WHY WHY WHY? I threw my very own pity party on the 5 minute drive from home to work, and when I got to the office, it was over...but I was still on the brink of tears.

It wasn't just that the patient remembered our loss, it was that she took the time to share a quote with me, courtesy of Ted Kennedy's Eulogy. There was a quote that went....

" I knew I was going to be okay.

My father taught me that even our most profound losses are survivable".

Those words were soooo what I needed to hear today. It's true. We're still alive, life is good, and we have a lot to look forward to..even on the tough days. Sometimes, a girl just needs to be reminded that she is not as weak as she thinks she is, and that her life is going on..even on the tough days.

Fast forward

Dear Universe,

If there is any way you can fast forward the next week and half so we're past what was to be my due date, I'd really appreciate it. This whole " I should be" thought process is really hampering my ability to enjoy things these days. I'd rather be complaining about swelling feet, or braxton hicks, or worrying about labor than to be sitting here thinking about the baby that I won't be meeting next week.

So, uhm yeah, if you find a way to fast forward, I'd appreciate it. I'll even bake you a cake.

Respectfully,

BZ

Guilty Pleasure

Hi my name is Brie, and yes, I am a 31 (almost 32 year old) that watches an tween television show...and guess what? I like it.

ABC Family introduced a show to tweens that captured my heart..Finally, a television show about gymnasts! I'm talking about the series "Make it or Break it" on Monday nights.

So super excited about the prospect of a good gymnastics show, I couldn't wait for the premier. When it actually aired, I was a bit uninterested. For one, the only cast member that looks remotely like an elite gymnast is Kailie. The others, well...sorry girls, you're all cute and not fat by any means, but you're built more like a college gymnast at best, with those lady lumps. They don't fit the 16 year old elite gymnast cookie cutter mold. Hey I'm not hatin',I'm just sayin'.

My other initial issue with the show was obviously the gymnastics skill level. Yeah right, a Roundoff Flipflop Layout is an elite level final tumbling pass haha..more like a level 7 final pass, but elite gymnast, no way! I understand, stunt doubles do the work, and I would actually like to know which ex gymnasts got the lucky job to be a stunt double for a gymnastics series..What an awesome job to go to every day.

I suffered through the first episode, pretty much writing the program off...until I caught a promo for the next episode, and it had me curious as to what was going to happen. So, of course, curiosity got the best of me and I watched episode #2 and have been hooked on their tweeny drama ever since.

"Make it or Break It" has filled my Monday nights and DVR recordings for the past few months and I was so sad for the season finale last night.

SO, there you have it, my guilty pleasure is a tween show.

Play ball!!!! ( or eat one)

I had left over MMF base in my fridge, and rather than snitching some every morning to get my sugar fix, I decided I should put it to use. I made a batch of mini cupcakes Pillsbury Yellow cake mix. I used a buttercream frosting and my left over fondant. Unfortunately, after starting my Sunday project, I realized I was sans mini-cupcake liners, so these were made without a wrapper. Tacky, I know. But when I girl wants to bake, a girl wants to bake.

Note to self: By mini liners!

Here's how they were made.

Step 1: Roll out fondant onto a nonstick mat with a wash of powdered sugar( I use my cutting mat) with either a silicone rolling pin or a pin covered in powdered sugar.


Step 2: Using a Circular fondant cutter the same circumfrence as the cupcake, cut out circles to top the cupakes with.

Step 3: Lightly frost the cupcakes with a thin layer of buttercream frosting to help the MMF adhere to the shape of the cupcake.

Step 4: Place MMF cutout on top of cupcake and press down lightly. Clean up any buttercream that may have oozed out the sides.

Step 5: Using a Wilton #2 tip, pipe the "stitching" of the baseball onto the MMF covered cupcake.

Hope they're a home run with NZ's fellow employee's tomorrow!

Babyless mama

I stumbled across a blog of a fellow "babyless mama" http://rubybaby09.blogspot.com/2009/08/really.html this morning through a blog from another "babyless, but two babies in the oven mama" http://myjourneytomylesandbeyond.blogspot.com/2009/08/one-lovely-blog-award.html blog that I have read regularly since losing our little one.

It's not that misery loves company, at least not for me.

But reading what other babyless mama's have been writing about the cards they have been dealt, and how they are handling it on a day to day basis has really really been a Godsend. I'm usually the type of girl ( and still am) that wears my heart on my sleeve, and will share with people every last detail..but with the loss of our baby, I've kept many many things private, between my husband and myself. The feelings are still in there, but it's hard for me to let others see the grief on the days that I feel like I just can't be as strong as I was yesterday. Reading the blogs from these other women makes me feel like I am the one who wrote them, yet I can stand in obscurity and not put myself out there for people to see the pain.

All in all, NZ and I have held out pretty good this summer. We've stayed uber-busy with friends, family, small weekend trips and projects. It's just easier to stay busy, than to sit and think about the shoes we're wearing. I've had tons of fun this summer, reconnected with old friends and made new..I've been social and enjoyed "normal" life without worrying about my weight or how I look. I'd say this is the first summer in years that I have been so "normal" and gone with the flow..

But, then again, I'm not "normal" and I won't ever be "normal" the way I was before. I am still me, but different. There's a constant hurt in my heart, that won't go away. I'm happy with my life & loved ones, but something is now missing that I can't get back. Acceptance of our loss has been easier said than done. I tell myself that this shit just happens, it happened to us, so let's move on. No need to wallow..but at the same time, I feel like the birth of our baby has somehow been swept under the rug, because I didn't grieve outwardly, or have a funeral or even tell people what we named our little girl. This has been our decision to keep it private, however, I struggle at times with our decision.

Here I am, August 22, 2009, and I "should be" on maternity leave...I should be nearing my due date..I should be giddy with anticipation...yet, I didn't get to experience any of that despite giving birth to our baby just as thousands of other women do every day. While they get to be wheeled out in a wheelchair with babies in their arms, I got wheeled out past the nursery in fast forward, with empty arms..Sent home to an empty house, left to go through the post partum period without anything to show for it.

I feel bad talking about my experience to other mom's and mom's to be..like mine wasn't a valid delivery experience..like I don't know what it's really like. I've delivered a baby, yet I am not part of the mom club yet. What hurts the most are when people try to explain things about parenthood and add in, " You're not a parent, you wouldn't understand.." or " Wait till you're a parent, you'll see." I want to yell, "We DID have a baby, we are parents..but our baby died!Why take that title away from me?" I don't think the people who make the insensitive comments realize that just because NZ and I seem fine on the outside, that it doesn't mean we don't have feelings.

I do have some great real life friends who have really really kept a smile on my face on the rough days. I've got a husband that adores me...and feels the hurt too, but his pair of shoes, although the shoes of a dad who's lost a baby, are not the same as the pair of shoes that I wear. I'm sure he hates his too, but he doesn't say much about it. He just deals with them and helps me keep optomistic and positive about the things to come.

Priorities

This morning....

NZ: "Honey, you think you could swing by the pharmacy and pick up my prescription?"
Me: " Yeah, I will. I have one to pick up for myself anyways."

This afternoon...overheard while waiting my turn in line at the pharmacy..

Clerk: " Ma'am, that will be $30."
Woman: " What?! For 'effin antibiotics?...No way in hell I'm payin that."

The woman went on with huffs and puffs and sighs and really really gave the poor clerk a difficult time about asking for payment.

Woman: " Isn't there a generic or some free samples you can give me instead?"
Clerk: " Unfortunately, no, there aren't any free samples and this IS the generic."
Woman:" So what am I supposed to do? I can't afford $30 for a prescription."

At this point I think the poor clerk wished the woman would just pay the damn money or step aside so she could help the rest of us.

I couldn't help but give the woman a once over, then a twice over and pretty much make a rash judgement about her based on my brief observation of her..As this woman is raising hell about a measly $30 prescription, she is holding one of the newest COACH purses out right now..And no, it wasn't a knock off, believe me..I can tell the difference..has her nails freshly filled ( pink & white, of course) and flowers on her pedicured toes... She also has a Blackberry Storm, which I am going to go out on a limb here and ASSUME she has internet connection...

Hmm...so a quick calculation of her $350 purse, $25 fill, $20 pedi plus $5 per toe for flowers, the couple hundred dollar Blackberry storm and $100 per month service..oh and lest I forget she is tanner than a spring breaker in Panama..thanks to tanning bed sessions which usually average between $5 and $10 per visit...

I'm thinking to myself...She has all that and can't afford a $30 prescription? WTF?! She ended up walking out without the prescription and of course, nosey me had to see what kind of car she drives...it was a middle of the road sedan, but....drumroll, it had slick rims and the really expensive low profile tires...

It's now my turn at the register. Two prescriptions for my husband and I came to $87 dollars, our responsibility with the insurance plan that we have due to deductibles on prescriptions. Sure, I think that's a lot of money ( neither Rx can be generic), but am I going to bitch about it to the poor clerk?

No. It's our insurance plan, and if our prescriptions cost that much per month, then that's what it's got to be. So, maybe I won't pull the trigger on that new pair of shoes I've had my eye on, big deal. It's about priorities.

No one owes us anything. I/ We pay for our own things, and our responsibilites...If we have a big expense, we cut the fat elsewhere in our budget..It's the adult thing to do. Would I like new duds vs. something my husband and I NEED? Sure. But if moneys tight, guess what? NEED comes before WANT.

What irked me most about that woman, was that she has all the money in the world to buy the material things, but then sits and bitches about not having money to pay for what I consider a cheap prescription. She wants things given to her, for free...like the pharmacy owes her that..Pshhht, whatever. She'd rather put her health on the line than skip getting flowers painted on her toes a few times.


I have the same issue with people who forgo health insurance in lieu of saving a buck. Yes, health insurance is expensive, but if you're saying you can't afford it, and I find out you own a ranch full of thoroughbred horses, I'll call your bluff. On the other hand, I'm sick of those on government insurance ( here in CA it's medi-cal) who claim to not have money, yet appear to have enough money to pay for the nail salon, designer jeans/ purses etc..

Being an American may grant you the right to fair treatment, but I've got news..Fair doesn't necessarily mean equal. I don't want my taxes paying for someone else's healthcare, while they're out shopping for things they can't afford and I'm busy working and paying an insurance premium. We're a country full of people who have built themselves into something from nothing, but not without a ton of blood, sweat and tears...

Somewhere along the way, whether it be my generation of the one before, traded the "Hard work =success and pride" mantra in for " gimme gimme gimme, I want it now."

It all boils down to personal accountability.

If only we all held ourselves to higher standards, we'd each pull our own weight and not be owed anything by society.

Something's fishy

Meet our newest houseguests..

NZ and I are letting MW & co.'s fishies live in our home while they are temporarily uprooted for a few weeks.. Let's hope that we don't have any fallen soldier's while they're in our care. These goldies are so big I don't think that they'd even be flushable. They're that big.